Week One Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

Week one is notoriously hard to pick games, so don’t expect much in the way of performance from me here. Which is what I expect Andy Reid says to his wife after his fourth plate of ribs.

Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles

Thursday 8.20 ET

Falcons -1.0

The Eagles open the season as home dogs, so Lane Johnson and Chris Long have another excuse to start barking and piss all over Philly’s greased up lampposts. Based on preseason, Nick Foles looks like he shot his load back in February, and if you know anything about what Foles slings other than touchdowns, you know he’s still recovering.

Falcons 28 – 3 Eagles 😉

Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 1.00 ET

Ravens -7.5

The Ravens’ wide receiver depth is pretty thin after Lamar Jackson, who could prove to be an elite target for quarterback Joe Flacco. The Bills will start Nathan Peterman at quarterback over Josh Allen, and this is clearly a mistake. When Josh Allen throws multiple interceptions, he throws them deep downfield, making them more like punts, a huge bonus in the crucial battle for field position.

Bills 10 – 24 Ravens

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1.00 ET

Steelers -4.0

Hue Jackson must be quaking in his boots over this game, not because he may have to share a bathroom with Big Ben though. Le’Veon Bell hasn’t practiced in MONTHS! Those of us who watched Hard Knocks know Jackson is a big believer in keeping his football players fresh by not playing them in football games, so the prospect of facing a player in such peak condition will be too much for old Hue.

Steelers 27 – 24 Browns

Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 1.00 ET

Colts -2.5

Andrew Luck is back, so get ready for more shitty tweets from that civil war parody account that might have been funny once. Hur hur hur beards hur hur hur. Marvin Lewis isn’t coaching for his job this year for once, though in fact his job can’t have ever been coaching, as he would have been fired by now if it was.

Bengals 21 – 27 Colts

Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00 ET

Titans -1.0

Marcus Mariota is far too nice and polite to be coached by a guy’s guy like Mike Vrabel. There’s no way Vrabel hasn’t spent the whole offseason giving him wedgies and making fun of him. Miami meanwhile have decided to field a team of character guys aka choirboys instead of football players. So we’ll see how that goes long term.

Titans 20 – 30 Dolphins

San Francisco 49ers @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 1.00 ET

Vikings -6.5

Easy call here, seeing as Minnesota isn’t home to porn stars and San Francisco is. Jimmy Garoppolo spent his offseason worrying about STDs and protection, Kirk Cousins spent his on RPOs and protection schemes. Lock of the century folks.

49ers 14 – 35 Vikings

Houston Texans @ New England Patriots

Sunday 1.00 ET

Patriots -6.0

Good thing Garoppolo got shipped out of New England and Tom Brady is still the starter, as Jimmy G would have just spent this whole game fantasising about fucking Bill O’Brien’s chin hole. The Texans are a threat seeing as this will be one of four games JJ Watt plays this year, but Deshaun Watson just isn’t ready for the disguises the Pats will throw at him. They have fucking twins in the defensive backfield. Game over.

Texans 27 – 31 Patriots

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints

Sunday 1.00 ET

Saints -9.5

Biggest spread of the week, which is a phrase Jameis Winston will maybe hear in a Florida establishment some day. Expect Drew Brees and the Saints to go on a holy crusade here to smite evil Florida man.

Buccaneers 10 – 30 Saints

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants

Sunday 1.00 ET

Jaguars -3.0

Jalen Ramsey versus Odell Beckham would be an awesome matchup to watch, if it weren’t for the fact Eli Manning will be slinging the rock. Expect the Giants to come out of this game with a lot of fines after this, as Tom Coughlin reverts to his old role and starts fining people willy nilly for being late to the Jags team plane.

Jaguars 20 – 14 Giants

Kansas City Chiefs @ Los Angeles Chargers

Sunday 4.05 ET

Chargers -3.5

The Chargers are more injured than Jim Harbaugh’s pride would be after losing a staring contest. Expect the Chiefs to pull off the upset and get Andy Reid out of LA before he gets a chance to clean out an In-N-Out Burger.

Chiefs 27 – 17 Chargers

Washington Redskins @ Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4.25 ET

Cardinals -1.0

Yawn. Wake me up when Sam Bradford is injured (shouldn’t take long) and Josh Rosen is pissing everyone over the age of 40 off every time he opens his mouth.

Redskins 23 – 20 Cardinals

Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers

Sunday 4.25 ET

Panthers -3.0

Hard to say if losing Dez Bryant and Jason Witten makes the Cowboys more boring or interesting overall. The Panthers meanwhile should be pretty uptight coming into this one, as they haven’t enjoyed an old-fashioned jeans Friday in months.

Cowboys 28 – 30 Panthers

Seattle Seahawks @ Denver Broncos

Sunday 4.25 ET

Broncos -3.0

Russell Wilson better hope the concussion water he sells works, as next man up for the Seahawks offensive line is rumoured to be a large turnstile. The Broncos play every game at home it feels like, probably as crossing state borders while high as hell is terrifying.

Seahawks 24 – 20 Broncos

Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers

Sunday 8.20 ET

Packers -7.5

Aaron Rodgers must be feeling hot under the collar(bone) after the Bears traded for Khalil Mack. This means the Bears are all in on a guy who switched his name from Mitch to Mitchell. Bad call, doesn’t seem trustworthy.

Bears 17 – 27 Packers

New York Jets @ Detroit Lions

Monday 7.10 ET

Lions -6.5

I’m yet to be convinced a ginger quarterback can win it all. They make great coaches and water boys, but signal callers? No chance. Sam Darnold can prove me wrong if he makes Matt Patricia shove his number 2 pencil up a player’s nose.

Jets 12 – 20 Lions

Los Angeles Rams @ Oakland Raiders

10.20 ET

Rams -4.0

Smart move by Jon Gruden to try and take his roster back into the late 1990s, as LA didn’t have a team then. If he somehow sucks the whole stadium back into Gruden times, when the grass was greener and hits were harder, they might pull off a win.

Rams 35 – 21 Raiders

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