Belly Laughs With Andy Reid takes a weekly look at the weird and wonderful brains of NFL coaches, because whether they’re burying game balls or taking their timeouts home to make sweet love to them, they’re doing something fucking stupid. Why is it named after Andy Reid? Well, he has a belly and is objectively a hilarious human being, both intentionally and not. God bless him and every rack of ribs he every massacred.
Week one saw seven head coaches lead their team into battle for the first time. They went 0-7. Yikes. So there’s plenty of material for belly laughing to kick us off, so much so we may end up giggling like Bob Wylie does after every hard count.
Bill O’Brien’s Chin-Scratcher
You might think I’m about to take a shot at Billy O’s incredibly deep and fuckable chin. Or maybe the fact he’s a grown man who regularly gets referred to as Billy. But I’m not about taking shots below the belt. Or jaw.
No, Billy made his way into these hallowed pages with his big, fat, angry mouth. During the Houston Texans’ 27-20 loss to the Patriots, O’Brien missed an opportunity to call a timeout and get the officials to review a questionable Rob Gronkowski catch.
Now, in Billy’s defence there were less than two minutes left in the half so he couldn’t throw the red challenge flag himself. No arguing that. But he sure as shit could have used one of the three (!!!) timeouts he had left in the half and forced the issue. Instead the pats hurried to the line, ran another play before a review began and scored their final touchdown of the day soon after.
Billy was of course asked why he didn’t call timeout after the game, and he didn’t pull any punches (just like whoever hollowed out his chin):
“No, that’s not my job. Let me make it clear: I don’t have challenges with under two minutes to go. That’s not my job to call a timeout to make their job easier.”
Things that aren’t Billy O’s job: ending world hunger, reunifying North and South Korea, buttoning up JJ Watt’s stars and stripes themed underwear after he shits out a burrito bigger than Ray Rice and, apparently, calling timeouts during Houston Texans games.
A day later, Billy had softened up a tad, admitting that with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, he would have stopped the clock.
Hey Billy, hindsight is great and we’d all like to use if for things like gambling, the lottery and introducing Donald Trump to the thrills of base jumping. But none of the rest of us need it to know you not calling time on Sunday was fucking dumb.
Jon Gruden Has Reefer Madness
Chucky was left, well, red-faced on Monday night after his Oakland Raiders were humbled 33-13 by the LA Rams.
Part of the reason for the 20-point defeat was the Raiders’ lack of pass rush, and your guess is as good as Jon Gruden’s as to why that is:
“When you can run the ball like they can in the second half it’s very hard to rush the passer. Obviously we didn’t get to Goff enough. And we didn’t get to Gurley enough. And we’ll take a good look at the reasons why we didn’t.”
Actually, if your guess is “you traded your team’s best player in a generation you ginger fuck” then your guess is better than his.
Is Gruden spending too much time in Martavis Bryant’s car and suffering from Mary Jane-induced amnesia? Was he simply speaking in clichés to avoid admitting the truth that trading away Khalil Mack may have cost the Raiders’ defence any chance of stopping a nosebleed this season?
Your guess is as good as Jon Gruden’s.