Week Two Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

Leave it to the Browns to put that ugly ‘1’ in the tie column straight away. Still though, that’s a one game no loss streak, and the Browns’ best start to a season since 2004. Yikes, that’s almost as ugly as my record from last week.

Week one winners: 10-5-1

Week one against the spread: 7-8-1

Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Bengals -1.0

The Ravens lighting up the scoreboard for almost 50 points last week was extremely disappointing. Moving the ball up and down the field sure as shit isn’t AFC North football. Where was the plodding, miserable football that we all secretly crave? Give me the Bengals in this one, as they haven’t forgotten their roots. Cincinnati had a player ejected last week for a hit so violent that Ray Lewis snitched on the guy who laid it.

Ravens 21-24 Bengals

Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -6.0

Somehow the Flacons crapped all over themselves when presented a great opportunity for victory in a nationally televised game last week. Falcon shit is notoriously tough to clean off, so it’s a good thing Atlanta had a long week to prepare for this game. Weather could be factor in this game too, and before you say it’s in a dome, I mean the hurricane bearing down on Carolina may force the Panthers to stay in Atlanta a few days longer. You know what that means. Atlanta has more strip clubs than Texas has rib joints. So expect minds to be elsewhere.

Panthers 17-20 Falcons

Cleveland Browns @ New Orleans Saints

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Saints -10.0

Amazingly, the NFL scheduling gods have matched the Browns up with an opponent who suffered a more embarrassing result than anything that happened in Ohio last week. Ryan Fitzpatrick must have studied surgery at Harvard (he went there you know, little-known fact) because he sliced the Saints up. Someone get the Pope on the phone as the Saints are about to perform a miracle and return from the dead, in only a week no less. And teams complain about playing on Thursdays. Poppycock.

Browns 20-30 Saints

Houston Texans @ Tennessee Titans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Texans -2.0

Titans’ coach Mike Vrabel ran out of gas last week, shouldn’t happen this Sunday though. He warmed up for the game (he’s the coach remember) against Miami by running sprints, which turned out to be a disaster as the game lasted for seven hours.

Texans 17-20 Titans

Indianapolis Colts @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Redskins -5.5

Andrew Luck’s shoulder didn’t fall off after throwing 7,000 passes last week with a full-size football, so the Colts have that going for them. Whips are a respected part of politics, so it’s no wonder Adrian Peterson made such a great start to life in the capital.

Colts 20-24 Redskins

Kansas City Chiefs @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Steelers -4.0

Expect James Connor to terminate the Chiefs, zing! Just kidding, Tyreek Hill’s going to score so fast the Steelers will choke, kind of like his pregnant ex-girlfriend. People forget dude’s a scumbag.

Chiefs 34-20 Steelers

Los Angeles Chargers @ Buffalo Bills

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chargers -7.5

The match-up we’ve all been waiting for: Philip Rivers versus Josh Allen. Big family versus big arm. Jesus-lover versus “Jesus, did you see that arm!” Alabama versus Wyoming. Incest versus beastiality. Should be a barn burner, in all senses of the phrase.

Chargers 30-10 Bills

Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jets -3.0

Sam Darnold started out playing like a fuckin’ Jet (Rex Ryan ™) by throwing a pick six on his first pass, but couldn’t keep it up, so I guess he doesn’t have much in common with Woody Johnson. Dolphins fuck for fun, so Darnold’s in for a tough day if he can’t keep pace with Miami.

Dolphins 21-17 Jets

Philadelphia Eagles @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Eagles -3.0

In a battle of big dick versus big brain, give me dick any day of the week, and twice on Sunday.

Eagles 24-10 Buccaneers

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -2.5

Full disclosure, forgot to pick this game and am doing it midway through the game.

Packers 23-21 Vikings

Arizona Cardinals @ Los Angeles Rams

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Rams -13.5

Sam Bradford hasn’t been injured yet, so unfortunately for the Cardinals another loss beckons. The Rams are all happy campers for now, but it won’t be long before LA life impacts them and Ndamukong Suh stomps on Jared Goff’s Prius.

Cardinals 13-28 Rams

Detroit Lions @ San Francisco 49ers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

49ers -6.0

Coaching isn’t rocket science, which is unfortunate for Matt Patricia as if it was, he’d probably not have been embarrassed by a team from New Jersey on Monday. Jimmy Garoppolo also suffered the first loss of his career as top dog last week, but if there’s one thing you have to respect about the 49ers, it’s that they give as good as they get. If you know what I’m saying.

Lions 13-24 49ers

New England Patriots @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 4.25pm ET

No favourite

A rematch of the AFC title game, and Jags fans are acting like the team has been relocated to London already by planning to fly a banner above the stadium during the game. Apparently it says Jack wasn’t down, and in the age of #MeToo that’s bad news for Jill, as without receiving informed consent, she’s more fucked than Blake Bortles without a viable running game.

Patriots 20-13 Jaguars

Oakland Raiders @ Denver Broncos

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Broncos -6.0

Mile High Stadium hosts this game, so it’s practically a home game for new Raider Martavis Bryant. Jon Gruden’s squad is the oldest in the league, so the altitude may be an issue, as changes in pressure can really fuck with hearing aids.

Raiders 20-23 Broncos

New York Giants @ Dallas Cowboys

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Cowboys -3.0

Finally, Cowboys-Giants on Sunday Night Football. We’ve been begging for this game for years, and NBC finally came to their senses. Who knows how playing under the bright lights and in a nationally-televised game for once will affect these two rivals, but we certainly won’t be treated to a gruelling slugfest between division rivals who know each other too well to play a truly entertaining game. No sir.

Giants 17-21 Cowboys

Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears

Monday 8.15pm ET

Bears -3.5

Russell Wilson had better finally sleep with Ciara this week, as he may not be physically able to after Khalil Mack has had his way with him. Okay, maybe that’s a bit strong, but Wilson sure as shit better hope his concussion water actually works and isn’t blatantly obvious snake oil.

Seahawks 24-21 Bears

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