Belly Laughs With Andy Reid: Week Two

Belly Laughs With Andy Reid takes a weekly look at the weird and wonderful brains of NFL coaches, because whether they’re burying game balls or taking their timeouts home to make sweet love to them, they’re doing something fucking stupid.

Bill Belichick The Spin Doctor

The New England Patriots head coach has never exactly been known for his openness with the media, but the last couple of days he’s taken his trolling to a new level.

That Pats lost to the Jaguars on Sunday in the Super Bowl top game of week two, and that looked set to dominate the headlines in New England until this Sunday when BB puts Matt Patricia on his lap and gives him a good spanking. Until the Hooded One traded a bag of balls, four lollypops and Alex one of Guerrero’s old sweatbands to the Browns for Josh Gordon.

Josh freakin’ Gordon. Perhaps the most talented and troubled player in the NFL. The Pats’ first true deep threat since the great Randy Moss talked his way out of town. In short, big fucking news.

Or was it all an illusion?

Even though both teams and the NFL have announced the deal, he’s listed on the Patriots’ roster and his jersey is for sale, BB won’t admit to reporters he’s been signed. Here’s part of the transcript of his Wednesday press conference:

Q: So, when you say you’re still working through some transactions, we should not ask about Josh Gordon?

BB: You can ask. I can’t – we’ll talk about it when it’s done, if it’s done, when it’s done.

Q: So, that transaction is not yet done even though it was on the wire yesterday?

BB: That’s correct.

Q: What is still pending in the process?

BB: The finish of the trade.

Q: What’s the last step that has to be made so it’s done?

BB: I guess it has to be finalized, Tom [Curran]. I guess that would do it.

Q: I’ll sign off on it.

BB: That’s one of the key steps we’ve been waiting for. I’ll make sure everybody knows that. Maybe that can expedite it by a few minutes.

Q: Can we ask you generally about Gordon as a player previously?

BB: No, I’m not going to talk about players that are not actually, I would say, on our roster totally. So, when that happens, it happens, if it happens.

Q: Since the trade was on the wire, wasn’t it finalized?

BB: There are terms that have to be met before the trade is finalized, and when those are completed, then we’ll have a completed trade. And, until they’re completed, then I’m not going to get into it.

Q: Did you have a chance to meet with Gordon?

BB: Any other questions?

 

I must admit, I don’t have the galaxy brain to figure out why he won’t just admit he’s made a trade. Maybe it’s to have idiots in the New England media spend their day speculating on that instead of, you know, whether it was a good idea to bring in a guy so volatile the Browns were sick of him?

Belichick is a known fan of Donald Trump, and why he isn’t the walking Wotsit’s press secretary by now is beyond me. The man can spin anything. To wit:

Q: The president recently announced on Twitter he had withdrawn the Supreme Court nomination from Brett Kavanaugh and instead tapped Kanye West, what can you tell us about this decision?

BB: We’ll talk about it when Yeezy is confirmed.

Q: So the director of the first PornHub Awards has been nominated to sit on the highest court in the land?

BB: It is what it is.

Q: What about the Washington Post report that the president is planning to hire Urban Meyer as a women’s rights consultant?

BB: I’m not going to talk about deceitful scumbags that are not actually, I would say, on our roster totally. So, when that happens, it happens, if it happens.

Q: Do you have any comment on what looks like imminent peace between the Koreas?

BB: We’re onto Iran. Just focusing on invading Iran. Nothing about North Korea or the past. We’re onto Iran.

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