Week Three Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

Yet another tie last week, and somewhere Donovan McNabb’s head exploded. Minnesota kicker Daniel Carlson threw up all over himself to seal that result, something else McNabb has some experience with.

Week two winners: 11-4-1

Week two against the spread: 10-5-1

Season winners: 21-9-2

Season against the spread: 17-13-2

New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Browns -3.0

Normally a match-up like this would have me lead with toilet bowl jokes, but the only thing shitty about this game is the Browns colour rush uniforms. Sam Darnold won’t be able to take his eyes off those neon brown monstrosities, so expect a multiple pick day for the rookie.

Jets 10-17 Browns

Buffalo Bills @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Vikings -16.5

Mike Zimmer is a straight savage. He said it was an easy call cutting his kicker, and unconfirmed reports suggest he drowned a puppy in its own piss when he got home after the game to teach it a lesson about chewing its food properly. He’s going to put such a whooping on Josh Allen that Vontae Davis might retire again.

Bills 13-28 Vikings

Cincinnati Bengals @ Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Panthers -3.0

Cincinnati may be 2-0, but Bengals fans have to be distraught. A couple more wins and Marvin Lewis will be guaranteed to get a five-year extension soon. After the nuclear apocalypse, Twinkies will be the only food, cockroaches will rule the earth, and Marvin Lewis will still be coaching the Bengals to 9-7 seasons.

Bengals 24-21 Panthers

Denver Broncos @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Ravens -5.5

Thinking about it, John Harbaugh is carving himself out a very Marvin Lewis-like career. When was this team last actually any good? Not since the lights went off in the Super Bowl, a conspiracy Ray Leis and the Atlanta PD are still investigating. Expect Ray to snitch on Colin Kaepernick and pin it on him, somehow.

Broncos 20-16 Ravens

Green Bay Packers @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -3.0

Speaking of Kaepernick, by the end of Sunday he won’t be the only quarterback on one knee a billionaire in Washington is sick of. Of course, we’re all sick of the Aaron Rodgers-Alex Smith draft storyline, but that won’t stop TV analysts forcing it down our throats this weekend. Fitting that this game is on FOX then.

Packers 31-20 Redskins

Indianapolis Colts @ Philadelphia Eagles

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Eagles -7.0

Carson Wentz makes his return this week, but he’ll have to work to earn the Philadelphia locker room’s respect again, as there was something about Nick Foles that commanded respect in a BIG way. If you know what I’m saying. (Had to get some Big Dick Nick jokes in, as he’s about to become irrelevant again.)

Colts 24-27 Eagles

New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -3.0

The Saints are such teases, letting the Browns get so close to touching victory, but then cruelly snatching it away. I’m not upset for the Browns, but sad we missed out on the joy we could have had watching Gregg Williams dunk all over Sen Payton.

Saints 17-24 Falcons

New York Giants @ Houston Texans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Texans -6.0

Get ready for more photos of a shell-shocked Eli Manning (he’ll sign them for $20), as JJ Watt is about to beat that shitty offensive line like a drum. He’ll be a one man band on Sunday, as he’ll be blowing his own trumpet (shout out Steve Bannon) simultaneously, as always.

Giants 13-17 Texans

Oakland Raiders @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Dolphins -3.0

Jon Gruden admitted this week that it’s hard to find a pass rusher, weeks after he proved how easy it is to get rid of one. And we thought we’d miss his insightful analysis when he left his TV role, Chucky is still explaining the intricacies of the game to us! “This guy, I call him ‘Steve Jobs’, because he’s great at getting rid of Macks!”

Raiders 15-28 Dolphins

San Francisco 49ers @ Kansas City Chiefs

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chiefs -6.5

Strange spot for Jimmy Garoppolo to be in, being the second-most hyped quarterback in a game. Patrick Mahomes is tearing the league up worse than Andy Reid’s triple serving of victory ribs would tear up the average man’s asshole.

49ers 28-38 Chiefs

Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jaguars -9.0

Going to be tough for Jacksonville to come back down from the high of their Super Bowl win over the Patriots last week. Normally teams get a few months off after winning the big game, but I guess it’s just another example of the league being out to get the Jags. Myles Jack never went down, just like the counsellors at Christian camps.

Titans 17-21 Jaguars

Los Angeles Chargers @ Los Angeles Rams

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Rams -7.0

Philips Rivers announced his intention to continue fathering children this week, meanwhile Jared Goff hasn’t made any sort of proclamation pertaining to his plans to procreate, which is disappointing. I know players get coached on dealing with media these days, but where did all the personalities go? Is wanting to know whether your quarterback is virile or not too much to ask? Hard to trust a guy if you don’t know how he likes his eggs, fertilised or not?

Chargers 21-34 Rams

Chicago Bears @ Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Bears -5.5

I know I’ve said it every game, but surely this is the week Sam Bradford shatters into a thousand pieces. Khalil Mack is about to usher in the Josh Rosen era, and the people of Arizona can’t wait to have an outspoken liberal lead their team.

Bears 21-6 Cardinals

Dallas Cowboys @ Seattle Seahawks

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Seahawks -1.5

Russell Wilson may be the better quarterback in this match-up, but you can bet your horse Jerry Jones would rather have Dak Prescott. No way Jerruh could trust a man who chose not to sleep with his wife. Mr Jones is still trying to get back to gloryhole.

Cowboys 22-24 Seahawks

New England Patriots @ Detroit Lions

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Patriots -6.5

Josh Gordon could really take the top off this Lions defence, and it seems like the bottom is falling out on Matt Patricia. But don’t worry Matty, your daddy Bill is here, and he’s going to kiss the boobies away, just as soon as you sit on his lap and say, “I’m daddy’s good little boy.”

Patriots 30-20 Lions

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Monday 8.15pm ET

Steelers -1.5

Can’t wait to hear ESPN analyst Jason Witten’s take on how Ryan Fitzpatrick dressed after victory last week. Sure to be riveting and entirely original. Meanwhile for the Steelers, having all their players show up for this game would be a win in itself.

Steelers 35-38 Buccaneers

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