Belly Laughs With Andy Reid takes a weekly look at the weird and wonderful brains of NFL coaches, because whether they’re burying game balls or taking their timeouts home to make sweet love to them, they’re doing something fucking stupid.
It’s fair to say the good ol’ US of A hasn’t been this politically divided since the civil war. The election of Donald Trump and subsequent efforts to undo that brain fart have created a political climate and discourse that has pitted brother against brother, husband against wife and sane against insane.
But things have gone too far now. Sacred relationships that should be free of the taint of politics are now being torn asunder, and in Canton Vince Lombardi’s bust weeps, for we are truly forsaken. Who wants to live in a world so fucked up that coaches hate their quarterbacks?
I’m talking of course about Arizona Cardinals head coach Steve Wilks (who?) and rookie QB Josh Rosen. The UCLA product may have just been named starter by Wilks, but I fear it’s not a promotion, but a death sentence.
On Sunday in Phoenix the Cardinals found themselves down 16-14 to the Chicago Bears with mere minutes left in the game. That they had the ball and a chance to drive down for the winning field goal was a miracle, as Khalil Mack et al had spent all day pounding QB1 Sam Bradford harder than Melania Trump’s clone (stay woke) pounds vodka after having to spend yet another dinner listening to the Tweeter-in-chief talk about the size of his hands.
Bradford had struggled for most of the game after throwing two early touchdowns, but there was no reason to think Steve Wilks (who?) would bench him. But he did. For a rookie getting his first NFL action in a do or die scenario. With the 2016 Defensive Player of the Year on the other side of the ball.
So yeah, it didn’t go well.
Wilks didn’t just throw Rosen into the deep end, he threw someone who couldn’t swim into a deep end filled with genetically-modified super sharks with a taste for blood.
When asked why he’d fucked his quarterback on national TV, Wilks said he thought the team “needed a spark.”
I imagine he said this while cackling manically, picturing himself setting Rosen on fire and taunting him with a fire extinguisher.
So why did this travesty happen? How did one coach learn to stop worrying and hate his quarterback?
Hard to see I know, but it’s a photo Rosen put on his Instagram two years ago captioned “Fuck Trump.” Peep the hat too. You know what this means.
That’s right, Rosen is, gasp, a liberal! A dirty, stinking, rotten liberal! He probably reads Karl Marx instead of his playbook. Instead of working out to stay healthy, he advocates for universal healthcare. He doesn’t watch film on exotic blitz packages, but protests exotic animal hunting.
At least that’s what must be going through Steve Wilks’ mind every time he looks the little fuckhead.
Coupled with his obvious arrogance (“A TEENAGER GOT HOTTUB IN HIS DORM AND BRAGGED ABOUT IT!!??!!???”), this must drive Wilks nuts, as him being a raging hard rightwing, don’t take my guns, freedom or curly fries conservative is the only (un)reasonable explanation I can come up with.
The final straw probably came during the game when Rosen compared Mack pinning Bradford down like Brett Kavanaugh (allegedly) did to all the women he definitely did not have sex with but may have assaulted.
“Get me Rosen, we’ll see how much he loves abortions after 11 Bears fuck him with no protection!” growled Wilks.