Week Four Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

Rough going for myself last week, but still, things could be worse, I could have been in the Vikings locker room after Josh Allen gave them a beating. Reports are they had to retile the walls as the heat from Mike Zimmer’s face melted half of them off the wall.

Week three winners: 7-9

Week three against the spread: 9-7

Season winners: 28-18-2

Season against the spread: 26-20-2

Minnesota Vikings @ Los Angeles Rams

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Rams -7.0

The Vikings should be extra motivated for this game coming off an embarrassing loss. But it’s not like Mike Zimmer needs any extra motivation to want to stick it to a team from LA. Dude doesn’t even own a TV, you think he has any time Hollywood, traffic jams and cocktail bars? Unfortunately for him, winning isn’t dictated by gritty or how technologically backward you are.

Vikings 20-30 Rams

Buffalo Bills @ Green Bay Packers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -10.0

It rarely goes well when Wisconsin farm boys go to Washington to try and make their mark on the big city, too many street lights and too much Asian food for them to comprehend. So it should have been no surprise the Packers fell flat last week. Sunday should be different, even though Josh Allen is taller than most of the buildings in Green Bay.

Bills 17-31 Packers

Cincinnati Bengals @ Atlanta Falcons

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -5.0

Even though he’s a ginger, Andy Dalton might have too much athleticism for the Falcons to handle, as Drew Brees put their defence through a spin cycle last week, Zimmer frame and all. Regardless, I think the Bengals will be going home with a loss. To Ohio. Which just seems like cruel and unusual punishment.

Bengals 33-39 Falcons

Detroit Lions @ Dallas Cowboys

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Cowboys -3.0

No way Jerry Jones doesn’t hit on Martha Firestone Ford at least once after this game and a glass or seven of Johnnie Walker Blue. Admittedly, 93 is a bit outside of Jerrah’s preferred age range, but you can throw all the normal rules out when you’re trying to get back to gloryhole days.

Lions 20-17 Cowboys

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Colts -1.5

JJ Watt returned to form last week with eight tackles, three sacks and 400 salutes into a conveniently-placed camera. Jim Irsay could use some advice from JJ on improving his personal brand. Swap the pills for patriotism and ditch the pina coladas for push-ups, videoed for Instagram of course.

Texans 16-24 Colts

Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Patriots -7.0

Josh Gordon has been given a locker beside Tom Brady’s so he can learn the Patriots offence faster, but this move could have troubling consequences for his sobriety.  Sitting beside TB12 and hearing him preach about pliability and the dangers of tomatoes would drive anyone to narcotics. Expect Gordon to have a monster game and take this win just so he can move his locker and not have to hear about the health benefits of an alkaline-based diet anymore.

Dolphins 24-26 Patriots

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jaguars -7.5

The Jets can’t be looking forward to this game after their embarrassing loss to the Browns last week. Jalen Ramsey is going to have a LOT to stay about that. He may not even finish the game as he’ll be so out of breath from talking shit.

Jets 14-24 Jaguars

Philadelphia Eagles @ Tennessee Titans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Eagles -4.0

Mike Vrabel is proving he’s a smarter coach than he looks, but what in the name of God was that tunic thing he wore last week? I digress, the Titans astutely started Blaine Gabbert against the Jaguars last week so he could take the beating that should have went to Marcus Mariota. Doug Pederson though, there’s a guy who knows how to dress. Pants drop when he walks into a room wearing that sexy visor.

Eagles 20-17 Titans

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Chicago Bears

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bears -3.0

Jameis Winston is back from suspension but the Bears needn’t be concerned with that, as it’ll be Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing them the ball on Sunday. The Bears pass rush will make Fitzy almost as uncomfortable in the pocket as Winston makes women in cars. Almost.

Buccaneers 20-25 Bears

Cleveland Browns @ Oakland Raiders

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Raiders -3.0

Baker Mayfield played so well in his first taste of action last week that Jon Gruden tried to trade him away from the Raiders. You can’t pay everyone, folks. This guy Gruden, I call him Brett Kavanaugh, because he was much more aggressive when he was younger.

Browns 20-24 Raiders

Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Seahawks -3.0

Two different styles of coaches here. Pete Carroll is the kind of guy who would let his quarterback date his daughter, while Steve Wilks is the kind of guy who hopes his quarterback fathers a daughter, just so Wilks can screw her over once he’s done fucking with Rosen.

Seahawks 30-10 Cardinals

New Orleans Saints @ New York Giants

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Saints -3.5

Drew Brees needs to throw for 418 yards to pass Peyton Manning for top spot on the career passing yardage list, and I’d say he’s a good bet to break the record this week, thanks to sibling rivalry. Eli Manning is sure to throw the ball to the Saints at every opportunity to give Brees more chances to put Peyton in his place. Or maybe Eli just sucks.

Saints 40-34 Giants

San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Chargers

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Chargers -10.5

Tough break for Jimmy Garoppolo blowing out his knee, but that’s what happens when you spend your offseason dating porn stars. The 49ers QB was getting blown when he should have been getting swole. Pumping broads when he should have been pumping iron. Had his head in cleavage when it should have been in his playbook.

49ers 13-37 Chargers

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Steelers -3.5

Forget anything that happens on the field, I’m excited to watch Antonio Brown throw a tantrum, as you know he won’t be able to resist staying out of the spotlight for two nationally televised games in a row.

Ravens 21-23 Steelers

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Broncos

Monday 8.15pm ET

Chiefs -4.5

Denver just doesn’t have the horses to keep up with the Chiefs. Hiyoooo!

Chiefs 35-27 Broncos

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