Frank Reich Hates Incest

Belly Laughs With Andy Reid takes a weekly look at the weird and wonderful brains of NFL coaches, because whether they’re burying game balls or taking their timeouts home to make sweet love to them, they’re doing something fucking stupid. The featured image comes from the excellent @ReidShops on Twitter.

Belly Laughs With Andy Reid: Week Four

America loves its football and its religion, so it’s no surprise the NFL takes every opportunity to link the two.

Faith and football have been strange bedfellows ever since David connected with Goliath on the first Hail Mary. As an undersized guy you’d think David would have problems getting the ball down the field, but I guess throwing to a 6-foot 9 red zone weapon helps. Goliath was the Megatron of his day, stuck on a woefully underperforming Philistine team that would make the Lions look like world-beaters.

It’s a long-held adage in much of the Western world that church and state should be kept separate, but no one ever says anything about keeping religion out of football. Until now.

The Indianapolis Colts lost a game on Sunday because of religion, more specifically, Frank Reich’s religious beliefs.

With less than a minute left in a 34-34 overtime game with the Houston Texans, Reich faced a fourth and four at his own 43-yard line. A punt probably means the game ends in a tie, but instead Reich chose to go for it. Andrew Luck’s pass fell incomplete and minutes later the Texans kicked the game-winning field goal.

It wasn’t the first time a Reich overstretched itself, but the Colts head coach was bullish after the game, saying he doesn’t play the game to tie. Admirable to some, as Americans have a strange problem with a sporting event ending with a draw, but I believe the truth can be found by travelling down a far more sinister, winding road.

That road begins with pornography. Specifically, fake incest pornography. Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or in Utah) you’ll know incest porn has gotten ridiculously popular in recent years. Some industry insiders have even said the genre became more than 1,000% percent more popular between 2011 and 2016, and with Game of Thrones acting as a gateway drug, no one is shocked by two twins fucking.

Frank Reich must be sick to his stomach. He’s deeply religious and a former pastor, so it makes sense he’s leading a one-man crusade against a form of adult entertainment most Christians would find abhorrent.

What has incest got to do with refusing to accept a tie? To answer that, we go back to 1953 and a Navy versus Duke college football game that ended 0-0.

Martie Zad of the Washington Post covered the game and wrote this about the Navy coach’s reaction to the result:

Navy coach Eddie Erdelatz came up with a classic definition for a tie football game, especially a scoreless tie between Navy and Duke—“It’s like kissing your sister.”

No one asked the mild spoken Navy coach to explain.

If only Erdelatz had been pressed we may have learned what in the hell that means but regardless, it stuck, and ties are still thought of as akin to incest in the USA.

There have been two ties already this NFL season, further normalising sister kissing and incest. The way Frank Reich probably saw it, America was one more tie and a Game of Thrones episode or two away from the President himself joking about fucking his own daughter and no one batting an eyelid. Again.

-family_International_-children_Of_God_incest_sex_cult

Reich did the only thing he could to prevent his country suffering further moral degradation and fell on his own sword (which is a kind of incest when you think about it).

If Reich is making decisions like this based on his beliefs, where does it end? Will Hindu coaches refuse to run the ball in the fourth quarter, as milking (the clock) is against their beliefs? Will Muslim coaches demand the football (aka pigskin) is Halal? Will Scientologists take Sundays off to stalk people and watch Tom Cruise movies?

It’s a slippery slope people.

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