Week Five Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

I’ll be picking games with my left hand this week in honour of Patrick Mahomes and hopefully I’ll have as much success as him. It’ll be tough, but unlike Mahomes I’m not saddled with a head coach who will inevitably fuck up my first trip to the playoffs, so I like my chances.

Week four winners: 10-5

Week four against the spread: 6-6-3

Season winners: 38-23-2

Season against the spread: 32-26-5

Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Patriots -10.5

Franch Reich says he doesn’t play for ties, which has really upset Colts fans in Bangkok. Last time the Colts came to New England they made up some shit about balls being deflated, which is something their Thai fans may also know a thing or two about.

Colts 10-30 Patriots

Atlanta Falcons @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Steelers -3.0

Expect Antonio Brown to get about 20 targets in this game, as you’ve got feed him when he’s hungry and crying, kind of like a baby. Luckily for Pittsburgh, Jordan Richards is likely to feature heavily for the Falcons, and he has the coverage skills of an infant who spent a night on the town with Le’Veon Bell. At 1-3 this is a huge game for the Falcons and I have no doubt they’ll step up and not choke, as they always do in big games.

Falcons 35-31 Steelers

Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Ravens -3.0

Many analysts are saying these aren’t the shitty Browns of old and they could very easily be 4-0, but I say it’s very Browns to have so consistently snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Ravens don’t have jaws (don’t quote me) so the only thing the Browns will be able to snatch in this one is Michael Crabtree’s chain, that is if Aquib Talib ever returned it.

Ravens 24-17 Browns

Denver Broncos @ New York Jets

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jets -1.0

Sam Darnold is finally playing like a fuckin’ Jet after that aberration in week one. He even managed to be the worst quarterback on the field against the Browns, and Cleveland played two! Horses don’t normally handle air travel well as they’re quite nervous animals, so I’m tipping the Broncos to shit all over the Jets.

Broncos 20-24 Jets

Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -1.0

Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy have been making passive aggressive comments about each other all week to the media, which is probably just Rodgers’ way of saying “I love you, dad”. The Lions may finally get out of those grey uniforms this week, but not because they don’t look good. In a canny cost-cutting move befitting a rocket scientist, Matt Patricia has taken all the pants home and replenished his wardrobe for years to come.

Packers 21-17 Lions

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chiefs -3.0

Game of the week right here, and no I’m not talking about Andy Reid’s pre-game snack of two pheasants and a deer. Patrick Mahomes may be better with his left than Blake Bortles is with his right, which is probably what Jalen Ramsey has been telling Blake in practice all week. The Chiefs were reportedly going to trade for Earl Thomas, but luckily for the rest of the league he broke his leg, as that would have put them just a Vince Young away from being a dream team.

Jaguars 24-28 Chiefs

Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bengals -6.5

What the Dolphins did last week was impressive. Normally their season ends in December, but they managed to wrap things up in September, as their season is undoubtedly over after getting pummelled by the Patriots last week. The Bengals have weapons all over the field and they get Vontaze Burfict back this week, who doesn’t even need a weapon to cause grievous bodily harm.

Dolphins 17-31 Bengals

New York Giants @ Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Panthers -7.0

Saquon Barkely admitted this week he social media negatively affect him from time to time, as he is after all a human. Cam Newton doesn’t have the same problem as he writes in hieroglyphics, so no one can understand what he’s saying well enough to roast him. Cam calls himself Superman, and he could well be writing in Krypton language, who knows.

Giants 24-28 Panthers

Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Titans -3.5

The Bills offensive line is so god-awful that Mike Vrabel is probably considering suiting up for this game and ploughing through Josh Allen like he’s one a folding table at an underground Bills Mafia tailgate.

Titans 27-20 Bills

Oakland Raiders @ Los Angeles Chargers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Chargers -5.0

Perhaps the greatest tragedy of our time is that Jon Gruden has never coached Phillip Rivers. They would have had such incredibly devastating, red-faced, face to face side line arguments. This guy Rivers, I call him direct sunlight, because gingers can’t stand him.

Raiders 20-31 Chargers

Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers

Sunday 4.25pm ET

49ers -4.5

Arizonans haven’t done well when confronted with liberals in the week or so. 49ers in a rout but try to look them in the eye while you take your beating, Arizona.

Cardinals 13-20 49ers

Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle Seahawks

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Rams -7.0

Earl Thomas gave Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll the finger last week, which is such an old-school insult young Sean McVay wouldn’t even know what it meant. Fucking millennial only communicates with emojis and GIFs. Which is probably why his team is the best in the NFL, he gets his players fire memes and knows soaking has nothing to do with getting stains out.

Rams 31-27 Seahawks

Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Eagles -3.0

The Vikings are probably still scarred from the last time they travelled to play the Eagles, and it has nothing to do with Philadelphia’s odour. Kirk Cousins likes to yell “You like that” but the Eagles back-up QB never has to ask, he’s fully-equipped to get the job done. Unlike Everson Griffen, who it seems is a few tools short of the equipment necessary to grease up a lamppost.

Vikings 24-20 Eagles

Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Texans -3.5

Texas forever, as the aggressively average Cowboys play yet another Sunday night game. The Texans were gifted a win last week by the Colts head coach, but that won’t happen this Sunday, because Jerry Jones doesn’t let Jason Garrett make any decisions other than mouth or face.

Cowboys 21-27 Texans

Washington Redskins @ New Orleans Saints

Monday 8.15pm ET

Saints -6.0

History should be made in this game, as Drew Brees looks set to become the NFL’s all-time passing yardage leader. Shame that moment will be immortalised by whatever garbage comes out of Jason Witten’s mouth.

Redskins 21-38 Saints

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