3 NFL Coaches As Crazy As Khabib

Belly Laughs With Andy Reid takes a weekly look at the weird and wonderful brains of NFL coaches, because whether they’re burying game balls or taking their timeouts home to make sweet love to them, they’re doing something fucking stupid. The featured image comes from the excellent @ReidShops on Twitter.

Belly Laughs With Andy Reid: Week Five

Unless you live under a rock with John Fox and other enemies of the forward pass, you’ll have seen over the weekend that Russians and the Irish mix about as well as Andy Reid and vegan buffets.

Khabib Murmagomedov smashed Conor McGregor like he was a wealthy landowner, and then two-footed the crowd like they were the capitalist system used to oppose the proletariat. Rappers with feelings unite! You have nothing to lose but your teeth!

In honour of what was a truly disgusting night for UFC that no one hopes is ever repeated again (looking at you, Dana White) I present to you the three NFL coaches most likely to choke out their opposing number and then dive into the crowd, hungry for blood. And barbeque.

John Harbaugh

To be ready to cross to the other sideline and launch yourself at a respected peer, you have to feel you’ve been the victim of a great injustice. And no one is more convinced that he’s constantly being screwed than John Harbaugh.

In his defence, it’s probably because he spent his childhood being relentlessly noogied by his older brother Jim.

“I want some milk too Jim, I want to be big and strong and be surgically fused to a pair of khakis too,” whined ickle wickle whiner boy John.

“No,” said Jim, “you just eat your chicken like the nervous bird you are.”

Almost two years after the Patriots outsmarted him, little Johnnie was still complaining about how unfair using a totally legal trick play was.

I picture him slamming down his headset, hiking up his big boy pants, and sprinting across the field with steam coming out of his ears, intent on lighting that bastard Belichick up for doing something dastardly again, probably a third down punt, when everyone has agreed fourth down is the punting down.

But as little Johnnie runs, a pink dot appears on his forehead, coming from the coaches box where Ernie Adams sits. John notices this, and turns his ass around and slinks back to the Ravens’ sideline, because he knows it’s time to go back to the kids table and let the adults handle their business.

Doug Marrone

Conor McGregor did a fair bit of trash talking (in Ireland, shit stirring) before the fight, some of it about Khabib’s devout Muslim faith,which was part of why the Russian went mental (in Ireland, buck daft) after the fight.

Well, Doug Marrone has some strong beliefs too and I could see him going to war over them. Specifically, he believes bologna to be the world’s greatest food.

The man makes Jehovah’s Witnesses look like couch potatoes when it comes to preaching about a big pile of shite. He eats it after a loss, a win, as a snack and even fries it up when it’s starting to go off. Unconfirmed reports suggest he would refuse a blood transfusion in favour of an injection of liquid bologna.

If any other coach where to start making fun of his love affair with a meat that will probably be used to surgically enhance Brazilian women’s asses before long, he would be forced to do battle. For honour. Respect. Duty. For bologna.

Mike Singletary

While he’s not in the NFL right now, Mike Singletary had to make the list, as who first comes to mind when you imagine an NFL coach leaping into the crowd for a fight?

The man literally pulled his trousers down and bared his ass to his players he was so angry with their performance.

He hates losing so much that it must take every ounce of self-control he has not to strip naked and charge the opposing sideline when he sees the other team prepare to kneel the ball.

You might say Singletary is a man of honour and wouldn’t do something so classless like attacking another coach. And you’d be right. But it’s fun to dream of a world where he would pound Pete Carroll’s face into the turf for chewing his gum in a disrespectful manner.

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