Week Six Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

I wish I got a laminated certificate every time I set a new personal record for picking games right, but I guess I don’t have the resources of a multi-billion-dollar organisation like the NFL. Drew Brees is a humble guy, so I’m sure he doesn’t mind he was honoured with something a 10-year-old could have produced and a video of Peyton Manning chopping tomatoes for some reason. Incidentally, Manning gets any food and drink that isn’t Papa John’s or Bud Light delivered to his wife, it’s just safer that way.

Week five winners: 10-5

Week five against the spread: 9-6

Season winners: 48-28-2

Season against the spread: 41-32-5

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Eagles -3.0

Going to be tough for the Giants to overcome the distraction of the Eli Manning – Lil Wayne beef. Yes you read that correctly, Lil Wayne is beefing with Eli Manning, as the latter said he doesn’t “watch much Lil Wayne”. Hopefully Manning takes Wayne’s advice to bump some of his tunes before this game, because if a codeine-addled rapper doesn’t understand football, I’m not sure who does.

Eagles 28-21 Giants

Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Vikings -10.5

Mike Zimmer probably doesn’t watch much Lil Wayne either. He doesn’t care about getting blunted, he just wants to blunt the Cardinals offence. He’s turning up the heat on the quarterback, not getting turnt up. He wants to pop the ball out, not pop mollies.

Cardinals 13-34 Vikings

Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Texans -9.5

Bill O’Brien is clearly some kind of sadist, because every week he ensures Deshaun Watson takes an absolute beating. We’re just weeks away from Billy O’ coming onto to the field dressed head to toe in leather and holding a whip, and I’m all for it. Good thing this game’s not in Buffalo, as he wouldn’t be able to resist grabbing all the dildos Bills fans throw onto the field and waving them menacingly at Watson.

Bills 17-21 Texans

Carolina Panthers @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Redskins -1.0

The Redskins had such respect for Drew Brees on Monday that they stood out of the way and let him set the passing yardage record. It was certainly classy, which is a word that’s somewhat overused in Washington these days. Expect Cam Newton and the Panthers to roll over Washington for an elegant victory.

Panthers 27-24 Redskins

Chicago Bears @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bears -3.0

The Dolphins might suck, but luckily Adam Gase has filled his team with high character guys, so they’ll all get along just fine on their way to a 6-10 season. Meanwhile Jon Gruden is still looking for a pass rusher, do the Bears have one they could trade him?

Bears 31-13 Dolphins

Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jets -2.5

The Colts are so banged up that Andrew Luck played some snaps at linebacker last week. While he’s got all the physical gits to play the position, he just doesn’t have the intangibles. He’s just not intimidating enough. Bro, neckbeards haven’t been scary since muskets were invented. Though come to think of it, he might just have what it takes to dominate Sam Darnold, as the kid looks like he’s a spring break or two away from having any facial hair.

Colts 28-25 Jets

Los Angeles Chargers @ Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chargers -1.0

I know I said something similar last week, but it’s also a tragedy that Todd Haley has never coached Philip Rivers. Two guys with what I assume are diametrically opposed values systems (Rivers probably thinks Haley’s inversion table is some kind of Ouija board) but very similar personalities. The screaming matches would be legendary, the make-up sex unprotected and nine months later, an angry little miracle would be born. Rivers’ procreation abilities are like his throwing motion, unorthodox but damn effective.

Chargers 24-27 Browns

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bengals -2.5

Antonio Brown is being sued for throwing his toys out of the pram. By toys I mean furniture and by pram I mean the 14th floor of a rented condo. Good thing he’s about as accurate as Ben Roethlisberger’s passes at Stormy Daniels, as he almost hit a child. Must be weird for Bengals fans cheering for the less dysfunctional team in this game, but don’t worry, between now and Sunday there’s still time for Joe Mixon to break a woman’s jaw.

Steelers 21-27 Bengals

Seattle Seahawks @ Oakland Raiders (In London)

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Seahawks -3.0

Is it really any surprise that Jon Gruden is afraid of flying? The guy doesn’t trust any form of technology invented after JFK was assassinated, so it stands to reason he’s not the biggest fan of air travel. Pete Carroll will be nervous on the plane too, mainly because he’ll be scared it’ll be hijacked by Theresa May and flown into Big Ben as a false flag operation.

Seahawks 34-14 Raiders

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Atlanta -3.5

Jameis Winston is back, and Uber drivers across the greater Atlanta area tremble. It’s going to be hard for him to reintegrate into the offence, as Ryan Fitzpatrick probably redesigned it based on the Pythagoras theorem or some shit. He went to Harvard you know.

Buccaneers 17-24 Falcons

Los Angeles Rams @ Denver Broncos

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Rams -7.0

Bradley Roby didn’t show up to the Broncos facility on Monday and blamed it on a misunderstanding. Meanwhile, Brandin Cooks is so concussed he did show up in Denver ready to practice.

Rams 41-24 Broncos

Baltimore Ravens @ Tennessee Titans

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Ravens -2.5

Doesn’t really matter how this game goes, Mike Vrabel might kill John Harbaugh during postgame handshake. Not intentionally, John boy will probably just die of fright when he sees a JACKED ex-Patriot coming at him

Ravens 23-27 Titans

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Jaguars -3.0

Yeah, looks like Dak Prescott’s streak of throwing for less than 300 yards and kind of just sucking altogether is going to extended for another week. It’s hard work making Blake Bortles look competent, but Dak is up to the task.

Jaguars 24-27 Cowboys

Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Patriots -3.5

Tom Brady has been desperately looking forward to this game so he can pick Patrick Mahomes’ brain afterwards and learn more about quarterbacking. In case you haven’t heard, dude is reinventing how the position is played. Andy Reid reinvented clock management in the NFL years ago, so he has a lot of respect from Bill Belichick, who gets hard when he thinks of Reid fucking the clock so damn hard during the Super Bowl that a fourth dimension was opened up.

Chiefs 34-37 Patriots

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers

Monday 8.15pm ET

Packers -9.5

CJ Beathard. Yuck. The only thing that could make this game grosser is if the Packers wore their horrendous throwback uniforms. Speaking of throwback, Mason Crosby makes me want to throw up he sucked so bad last week. Is it wrong to root for a kicker to get laid out? If so, I don’t want to be right.

49ers 10-30 Packers

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