Jon Gruden Is An Emo Teenager

Belly Laughs With Andy Reid takes a weekly look at the weird and wonderful brains of NFL coaches, because whether they’re burying game balls or taking their timeouts home to make sweet love to them, they’re doing something fucking stupid. The featured image comes from the excellent @ReidShops on Twitter.

Belly Laughs With Andy Reid: Week Six

Teenagers are the worst.

They pout, moan and always assume they’re the smartest person in every room, when in actuality you could fill a Twitter thread with what they don’t know. I know that phrase normally involves books, but modern teens are only physically capable of reading in 280-character chunks.

Teens are also pretty irrational, which is precisely why society doesn’t give them much influence or sway on how our world is run. But what would happen if we did give a spotty, speccy 16-year-old some modicum of power? What if we gave them, say, complete and total control over an NFL franchise?

Well, we don’t have to wonder any longer, because the Oakland Raiders are being run by a teenager in the form of head coach Jon David Gruden.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes by the traditional Gregorian calendar Jon Gruden is 55-years-old, long removed from his teenage years. But take a closer look at his actions since re-joining the Raiders back in January, and something disturbing, garbed in black, listening to My Chemical Romance emerges.

Since taking over, Gruden has acted like a man stuck in the 1990s, back when football was a more physical game watched on VHS tapes. He’s signed ageing veterans, been showing his players game film from the 1970s and even wearing the same cologne the Raiders’ legendary owner Al Davis wore.

Through all this it just seemed as if Gruden was trying to use some sort of football time machine to go back to the good old days of helmet to helmet hits and Vicodins on the plane ride home. But the trade of Khalil Mack to the Bears signalled Gruden had made a grave error.

Petulantly trading your team’s best player on the eve of the season was something only a teenager who had been told to go to his room would do. Gruden didn’t succeed in taking the NFL back in time; he brought himself back to his teenage years.

How else do you explain his passive aggressive comments after the Raiders were given a right good seeing to by the Seahawks in London?

After reserve cornerback Rashaan Melvin complained about a lack of playing time, Gruden offered up this gem to reporters:

Melvin is on his seventh team. Maybe he is confused about what technique he is using. He is frustrated. I can’t blame him … He is a good kid.”

Salty much, Jon? Hey may as well have said “You’re on your seventh husband mom, maybe you’re confused about what I like for dinner! Gawd!”

One reporter opined the Raiders may be tanking the season for a better draft pick, and Gruden fired back:

I’ll say this, we aren’t tanking anything. I hear the hatred out there, some of the rumours that we are tanking it to get a first-round pick or a higher pick. We are not getting up at 4 o’clock in the morning to tank it. Ain’t nobody tanking it. I don’t know who wrote that or who said that or who thinks that, but that isn’t the case here. We are going to continue to work hard, continue to build our team and that was part of the message.”

“Jon, are you studying as hard as you could be at school?” asked the ghost of Al Davis.

“Yes!!! Gawd!!! Of course I am!!! I work so hard, you don’t understand how hard it is being me! I wish I’d never been born!” screams Jon, before running up to his room and slamming the door, shaking the ‘No Entry’ sign hung on the outside.

Downstairs, the ghost of Al Davis sighs, as the opening chords of Evanescence’s ‘Bring me to Life’ begin to trickle out of Jon’s room.

“Wait till I tell him we’re moving to Vegas and his dog can’t come with us,” he mutters to himself, “I’ll probably run out of eye-black by the time that tantrum ends.”

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