Week Seven Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

Tough week against the spread for me, not as tough a week as Tyreek Hill has had though. As if losing to the Patriots wasn’t bad enough, poor Tyreek had a beer dumped all over him after scoring a touchdown. It’s sad to see such an upstanding citizen treated so horribly. Hopefully that fan gets his comeuppance. Maybe someone will strangle him, punch him the head and stomach and throw him around like a ragdoll.

Week six winners: 9-6

Week six against the spread: 6-9

Season winners: 57-34-2

Season against the spread: 47-41-5

Denver Broncos @ Arizona Cardinals

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Broncos -1.0

Now THIS is what Thursday night football is all about. Two sucky teams that are forced into a primetime slot whether we like it or not. Forget all the decent to great Thursday night games so far this year, this is the NFL we know and love. Turnovers, flags and injuries aplenty are guaranteed.

Broncos 23-20 Cardinals

Tennessee Titans @ Los Angeles Chargers (In London)

Sunday 9.30am ET

Chargers -6.5

I’d pay good money for a video of Philip Rivers sightseeing around London. Just keep the camera on his ridiculously expressive face as he wanders from place to place, confused that there isn’t a single Chick-fil-A anywhere, cars drive on the left and that liquor stores are open on Sundays.

Titans 24-28 Chargers

Buffalo Bills @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Colts -7.5

After another classic multiple interception game, Bills quarterback Nathan Peterman explained he knows where his identity lies, with Christ. He must also know where his coach Sean McDermott hid the bodies, as he wanted to start him again over Derek Anderson. Just don’t ask Anderson if he finds any of this funny.

Bills 13-27 Colts

Carolina Panthers @ Philadelphia Eagles

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Eagles -5.0

The Eagles enjoyed an in-season bye last week against the Giants, so they should be raring to get back to playing an actual NFL team. I’m guessing they don’t like byes in North Carolina, considering their feelings on trans rights.

Panthers 21-28 Eagles

Cleveland Browns @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Buccaneers -3.0

Hue Jackson keeps promising to get Nick Chubb the ball more, but he has yet to deliver. You could say he’s been unable to get a Chubb on (the field). That’s what drinking with Todd Haley will do to you though, Hue.

Browns 20-28 Buccaneers

Detroit Lions @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Lions -2.0

Keep an eye on the weather for this game. If the humidity is high, put everything you own on the Dolphins. No way a guy with the physical attributes of Matt Patricia perform at his best on a hot, sticky Florida day. His husky figure combined with that beard is a recipe for gallons of sweat and disastrous brain farts. Plus it’s Brocktober.

Lions 24-27 Dolphins

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jaguars -5.0

The Jaguars got pulverised by the Cowboys last week 40-7, which is pretty embarrassing, but not quite as cringeworthy as listening to JJ Watt talk smack. The thought of having to listen to his corny ass try and trash talk Jalen Ramsey after this game makes me almost want to cheer for the Jags. Almost.

Texans 14-20 Jaguars

Minnesota Vikings @ New York Jets

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Vikings -3.5

During free agency this offseason, Kirk Cousins used the Jets to get more money out of the Vikings, and (shock horror) the New York media is pissed. They’ve called him “classless” and it’s strange they would use that as an insult, as the Jets organisation is like a school in summer from top to bottom; no class. Perhaps they’re green with envy.

Vikings 31-20 Jets

New England Patriots @ Chicago Bears

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Patriots -3.0

Tom Brady broke a tackle on the way to a touchdown last week and embarrassed a Chiefs defender, so Khalil Mack is shaking in his boots, frightened TB12 is about to run him over too. He may not even play he’s so scared (also he’s injured).

Patriots 34-30 Bears

New Orleans Saints @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Ravens -2.5

Treme versus The Wire? Please. It’s no contest. You come at King Flacco, you best not miss.

Saints 24-23 Ravens

Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Redskins -1.5

Dak Prescott may have hung 40 on the vaunted Jaguars defence last week, but I think he might be playing for his job. Jerry Jones loves a shiny new toy, and there are few things shinier than the glint in an Irishman’s eye. Conor McGregor already throws about as nice a spiral as Dak, so he’s halfway to the starting spot.

Cowboys 24-21 Redskins

Los Angeles Rams @ San Francisco 49ers

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Rams -10.0

The two youngest, sexiest coaches in the whole dang league square off in this one. Flashbulbs and biceps will be popping in a matchup made in heaven for the Bay Area. Expect pouts, twirls and longing stares from all the middle-aged women in the crowd to punctuate the fireworks in this game.

Rams 28-24 49ers

Cincinnati Bengals @ Kansas City Chiefs

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Chiefs -6.0

How does everyone think Vontaze Burfict plans to take on the Chiefs high-flying offence with the eyes of the nation on Sunday night football? Yeah, it’s not going to be pretty. Don’t tune in if your squeamish.

Bengals 26-27 Chiefs

New York Giants @ Atlanta Falcons

Monday 8.15pm ET

Falcons -6.0

The Giants’ week six game was on Thursday and normally this gives a team a leg up on their opponents, but I think in this case it will have been counter-productive. Extra time for Odell Beckham Jr. to throw tantrums and for everyone else in the building to bitch about him. Coach Pat Shurmer might put him in at quarterback for a few series, as playing behind that line is a terrible punishment.

Giants 17-30 Falcons

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