Week Eight Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

While the numbers below may indicate I had an average to above average week picking games, you may not realise I called the New Orleans-Baltimore score exactly correct. Won’t be bragging though. Credit to me for staying humble.

Week seven winners: 10-4

Week seven against the spread: 6-7-1

Season winners: 67-38-2

Season against the spread: 53-48-6

Miami Dolphins @ Houston Texans

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Texans -7.5

Deshaun Watson isn’t flying at the minute due to various chest injuries, which is probably a good thing as airspace within 500 of miles of a Brock Osweiler pass isn’t safe. The only things that gives me pause on this pick is the fact it’s still Brocktober, but Houston won’t have a problem grounding the Brocketship.

Dolphins 17-23 Texans

Philadelphia Eagles @ Jacksonville Jaguars (In London)

Sunday 9.30am ET

Eagles -3.0

Blake Bortles received a stay of execution this week as Doug Marrone confirmed he would start against the Eagles, but he may as well be staying in one of the Tower of London’s cells instead of a hotel room, as he doesn’t have long left. Spotted dick is a dessert in the UK, and it’s also what Eric Reid was screaming at Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins last week, so he shouldn’t have any problem adapting to a game across the pond.

Eagles 28-17 Jaguars

Baltimore Ravens @ Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Ravens -2.0

Justin Tucker missed an extra point last week, which was truly astounding as the last time he missed Cam Newton was still in short trousers and only had one laptop. To be serious, it’s always fun to watch two dynamic quarterbacks like Newton and Joe Flacco duke it out. Cam has game-breaking speed, while Flacco has facial hair that breaks all the rules of human decency. Electricity guaranteed.

Ravens 28-27 Panthers

Cleveland Browns @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Steelers -8.0

These two teams couldn’t be separated last time out, playing to a 21-21 tie. Funnily enough, last time Todd Haley and Ben Roethlisberger went out together they couldn’t be separated, as they were embroiled in an argument over who got to take the drunkest co-ed home.

Browns 24-30 Steelers

Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chiefs -10.0

Broncos back-up quarterback Chad Kelly was arrested for trespassing this week. Apparently he was totally wasted, wandered into a stranger’s house, sat down and began mumbling incoherently, which is exactly what Andy Reid does when any of his assistant coaches asks if he wants to use a timeout.

Broncos 21-37 Chiefs

New York Jets @ Chicago Bears

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bears -7.5

Not a deep-dish guy myself, so in terms of pizza New York takes this one. On the football field though, Sam Darnold is something of a New York flop when it comes to facing good defences.

Jets 17-21 Bears

Seattle Seahawks @ Detroit Lions

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Lions -3.0

Many people thought Matt Patricia wasn’t ready to be a head coach, largely due to his physical appearance. And despite how well the Lions are playing, they were right. He just traded from Damon ‘Snacks’ Harrison. Snacks. Patricia clearly cares more about gobstoppers than stopping the run. He’s more interested in crinkle cuts than in cuts. Spends all his time making apple crumbles, not sack fumbles.

Seahawks 21-27 Lions

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bengals -4.0

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis said Vontaze Burfict isn’t playing as well as he used to, which in coachspeak means he didn’t concuss anyone last week. This means the middle of the field will be a no-go zone for the Bengals, just like the seafood section of grocery stores is for Jameis Winston.

Buccaneers 28-31 Bengals

Washington Redskins @ New York Giants

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Redskins -1.0

Eli Manning has taken such a bad beating this season that he probably feels like one of Adrian Peterson’s children after the switch has been cracked out.

Redskins 24-17 Giants

Indianapolis Colts @ Oakland Raiders

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Colts -3.0

Rumours have been swirling this week that Derek Carr’s Raider teammates have no respect for him, probably because of how sloppily he applies his eyeliner. How can you trust a guy who doesn’t realise how to properly make his own eyes pop?

Colts 30-20 Raiders

Green Bay Packers @ Los Angeles Rams

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Rams -9.5

A trip to the big city for the good citizens of Wisconsin. There will be a lot of confusing things there, like streetlights and Asian food. It’ll be a West coast homecoming for Aaron Rodgers though, and getting sacked by Aaron Donald and Ndamukong Suh may actually be a warmer welcome than he would get if he set up an actual homecoming with his family.

Packers 34-38 Rams

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4.25pm ET

49ers -1.0

Patrick Peterson wants out of Arizona, which is how Satan himself feels when he holidays in Phoenix every July, when it’s hotter than a Jimmy Garoppolo calendar.

49ers 21-23 Cardinals

New Orleans Saints @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Vikings -1.0

Something miraculous happened the last time these two teams met, and no it wasn’t the game ending without a commentator once mentioning Bourbon Street. The Saints are probably still scarred by the sight of Stefon Diggs crushing their dreams, just like how my eyes are scarred by how red Mike Zimmer’s nose is every Sunday.

Saints 31-28 Vikings

New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills

Monday 8.15pm ET

Patriots -13.5

Bigger mismatch than one journalist versus 15 men and a bone saw.

Patriots 40-17 Bills

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