Belly Laughs With Andy Reid takes a weekly look at the weird and wonderful brains of NFL coaches, because whether they’re burying game balls or taking their timeouts home to make sweet love to them, they’re doing something fucking stupid. The featured image comes from the excellent @ReidShops on Twitter.
Belly Laughs With Andy Reid: Week Seven
I’m currently battling a bed bug infestation.
They fired the first salvo, keeping me up until 6am on Saturday night with primitive infantry attacks. As far as I know, my mattress isn’t a battlefield covered by the Geneva Convention, so I have responded with chemical weapons.
The situation has left me obsessed with bugs for the past week or so and I find myself day dreaming about snuffing each and every one of them out.
I’ve also been wondering which NFL coaches I could see as bugs, who could have eight khaki-clad legs? Who vomits on their food before eating it? Who hides in dark, damp places all hours of the day? That last one is probably Dirk Koetter, as you can’t be fired if no one knows where you are.
Marvin Lewis – cockroach
Cockroaches could supposedly survive a nuclear war, but even they have to envious of Marvin Lewis’ abilities to cheat death.
Just like when you smack a cockroach and think it’s dead before watching it scuttle on, Marvin keeps getting to the brink of unemployment, before Mike Brown gives him another stay of execution, probably to save ink costs on the termination papers.
Marvin has one more thing in common with cockroaches: eggs. The insects release theirs when they’re squashed, spreading their progeny around their lifeless shell. Similarly, Marvin helped birth Hue Jackson, who also just can’t seem to get fired.
Bill Belichick – black widow spider
This one was easy.
Spiders scheme and plot to catch their prey, laying complex yet beautiful traps, exactly like a Bill Belichick trade. You think you’ve gotten a good deal and shipped out a malcontent player, until he suddenly grows up as soon as he’s in New England, puts in an all-pro year and you’re left with ash in your hand.
The black widow is notorious for eating its sexual partners, and while I don’t want to make any guesses about BB’s cunnilingus skills (try and get that image out of your brain), he certainly eats his former proteges alive when he encounters them across the field.
Jason Garrett – mosquito
Because he’s got to be pretty good at sucking to have kept his job this long.