Week Nine Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

We’re officially more than halfway through the NFL season. God that’s a depressing sentence. Well, for those of you who aren’t Patriots fans, as for us the season is only about a third of the way over.

Week eight winners: 12-2

Week eight against the spread: 9-5

Season winners: 79-40-2

Season against the spread: 62-53-6

Oakland Raiders @ San Francisco 49ers

Thursday 8.20pm ET

49ers -3.0

If only these teams had offences as cutting as the knives all the Bay Area fans will be toting at this game. Though Raiders fans are probably more likely to stab Jon Gruden than anyone in 49er garb.

Raiders 20-28 49ers

Atlanta Falcons @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Redskins -1.5

The Redskins traded for Ha-Ha Clinton Dix this week and I might be the only person not making a joke out of that combination of city and name. I don’t swing for low-hanging fruit. Or low-hanging Dix.

Falcons 34-24 Redskins

Chicago Bears @ Buffalo Bills

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bears -10.0

Nathan Peterman is set to start at quarterback for the Bills this week due to an injury to Derek Anderson, and I have to say they’re starting the wrong guy. The Florida man (because of course) who threw a dildo onto the Bills’ field on Monday against the Patriots has far better accuracy than Peterman, and you know he’s not afraid to take a pounding in the pocket as he had to smuggle that marital aid into the stadium ‘secretively’. If you know what I mean.

Bears 21-10 Bills

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Vikings -4.5

Minnesota nice versus Detroit nasty mere days after Halloween. It’s like the premise of some terrible odd couple sitcom. Which is a joke Mike Zimmer wouldn’t get, as the man doesn’t have a TV. He’s heard they’re bad for his eye.

Lions 22-28 VIkings

Kansas City Chiefs @ Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chiefs -8.5

The Browns tapped Gregg Williams as their interim head coach and he’s taken his promotion with the dignity and class you might expect. Which is none whatsoever. He’s claimed to have been offered four head coaching jobs without the need for an interview and already passive aggressively called out his best player, Myles Garrett. Can players put a bounty on their own coach?

Chiefs 38-14 Browns

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Dolphins -3.0

Brocktober is over, so can we make Brovember a thing? He’s the only quarterback in the NFL who’s figured out how to throw incompletions backward, which is more impressive than anything Rodgers, Brady or Brees have ever done if you ask me.

Jets 21-27 Dolphins

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Ravens -3.0

Le’Veon Bell has been out of action so long that Ray Lewis must be flabbergasted that he hasn’t been arrested yet. There’s nothing else to do Sal!

Steelers 34-31 Ravens

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Panthers -6.0

This game is appointment viewing, as when Ryan Fitzpatrick rips that ball downfield, literally anything can happen. His entire career has been one giant chaos theory experiment, with him the subject and researcher (he went to Harvard you know, smart guy).

Buccaneers 24-34 Panthers

Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Broncos -1.0

They love horses down in Texas, which probably explains why Houston traded for a receiver with hooves for hands in Demaryius Thomas. Just don’t let him try any more of Vonn Miller’s sugar lumps before the game.

Texans 27-14 Broncos

Los Angeles Chargers @ Seattle Seahawks

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Seahawks -1.5

This game marks Philip Rivers; 200th consecutive start, which is no mean feat considering he’s had about 15 hours of sleep total in that time. With rearing old babies, making new ones and studying film, it’s amazing the man is in a fit state to tie his own shoes, never mind quarterback an NFL team.

Chargers 27—24 Seahawks

Los Angeles Rams @ New Orleans Saints

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Saints -2.0

If the Rms were any more of a super team, Kevin Durant would join them! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Zing! Oh, I do crack myself up sometimes.

Rams 21-24 Saints

Green Bay Packers @ New England Patriots

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Patriots -6.0

NBC has been working overtime to promote this game as Brady versus Rodgers, which makes sense as Belichick versus the Michelin Man’s slow cousin doesn’t have the same appeal.

Packers 30-34 Patriots

Tennessee Titans @ Dallas Cowboys

Monday 8.15pm ET

Cowboys -6.5

Exciting times for Cowboys fans after the Amari Cooper trade. They have at least three games to enjoy whining about their QB not getting him the ball before they realise how much the dude blows.

Titans 19-17 Cowboys

2 thoughts on “Week Nine Picks

Add yours

  1. Yo, this is GOLDEN! I lost it when you compared Peterman to the dildo guy.

    I wish I could’ve seen the incredible Osweiler highlight. I seriously don’t know how he’s still an NFL QB.

    I wholeheartedly agree KD would join the Rams, only if the NFL paid more. He’s discontent with his $30 million salary this season, at least he’s capitalizing on Capitalism…

    Like

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