Week 10 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

I don’t want to brag, but that near-perfect week might just make me the greatest prognosticator in the illustrious 10-week history of this website. I’m not going to let it get to my head though, I’m going to stay humble and remember how I got here, which was using my sheer talent, grit, determination and good looks.

Week nine winners: 13-0

Week nine against the spread: 12-1

Season winners: 92-40-2

Season against the spread: 74-54-6

Carolina Panthers @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Steelers -3.5

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said the Panthers are a “fundamentalist group” and that he wants “volunteers, not hostages” on his team. It’s clear what he’s alluding to here. Since the team was sold in the offseason, the Panthers have become an ISIS offshoot terror group. The ‘Jeans Friday’ incident was a false flag operation (possibly led by Christian McCaffrey) designed to oust Jerry Richardson and install Jihadis into leadership roles in the team’s management. Big Ben may have an actual injury to bitch about after getting hit by an IED during this game.

Panthers 24-29 Steelers

Arizona Cardinals @ Kansas City Chiefs

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chiefs -16.5

This spread is bigger than Andy Reid’s pre-game BBQ spread. All kidding aside, this game could be uglier than Andy’s post pre-game meal shit.

Cardinals 10-30 Chiefs

Atlanta Falcons @ Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -4.5

Almost poetic that the Falcons are off to play the Browns the same week the state of Georgia elected a turd as governor. Brian Kemp calls himself unapologetically conservative which would be the equivalent of the Browns admitting their shitty, but it’s just our brand, ya know?

Falcons 34-20 Browns

Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jets -7.0

A McCown is the best quarterback playing in this game. Unbelievable. Almost as hard to stomach as a Bush or a Clinton being the most likeable politician in a race. But this is the world we have created in the year of our lord 2018.

Bills 13-17 Jets

Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bears -6.5

Sit up straight while you take your beating Matt Patricia! And tuck that shirt in, or else it’s detention for a week and no number two pencils for a month!

Lions 20-24 Bears

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Colts -3.0

Another road game for the Jags, but this time they won’t be able to blame the exchange rate for any misunderstandings about $50,000 or more bills in clubs. Captain Andrew Luck Tweets that in his time, a drink at the saloon cost only half a nickel! Hur dur hur!

Jaguars 21-17 Colts

New England Patriots @ Tennessee Titans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Patriots -6.5

The Patriots travel to take on the Patriots-lite, with Malcolm Butler set to take on his old team. Except this time, he’ll be crying because he’s on the field, getting his ass handed to him by Josh Gordon.

Patriots 38-28 Titans

New Orleans Saints @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Saints -5.5

Are the Dez Bryant dropped his pen when he signed his Saints contract jokes played out by now? They are? Fuck. Was really counting on being able to use that here.

Saints 33-31 Bengals

Washington Redskins @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Buccaneers -3.0

This should be an intriguing match-up of two mediocre quarterbacks who employ very different styles of mediocrity. Ryan Fitzpatrick is a mediocre gunslinger, so he’s exciting, but for good and bad reasons, kind of like ab old condom that might be expired, but you’re not quite sure. Meanwhile Alex Smith is so conservative and uninteresting he could pass for a 70-year-old Republican.

Redskins 21-25 Buccaneers

Los Angeles Chargers @ Oakland Raiders

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Chargers -10.0

Asking Jon Gruden not to dismantle another little piece of this Raider franchise every week would be like asking a teenager to participate in no nut November. Simply impossible. This guy Jon Gruden, I call him a midget porn star, because he’s fucking everything up!

Chargers 37—30 Raiders

Miami Dolphins @ Green Bay Packers

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Packers -10.0

Can we please be done with Aaron Rodgers GOAT memes, comparisons and actual goats dressed in his jersey? Their far too social animals to be compared to A-Rod anyway. He’s more like an animal that eats its own family.

Dolphins 21-35 Packers

Seattle Seahawks @ Los Angeles Rams

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Rams -10.0

The Rams suffered their first defeat last week, but there’s no need to be afraid, they get to play in front of their diehard, ever-loyal LA fans this week, so bouncing back should be a piece of gluten-free, organic, ethical and LGBTQ-friendly cake.

Seahawks 28-33 Rams

Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Eagles -7.5

Amari Cooper is a number one receiver alright. Number one as in piss! Because he’s pish! As is this game, but God-forbid we could go a season without at least 12 NFC East games in primetime.

Cowboys 20-23 Eagles

New York Giants @ San Francisco 49ers

Monday 8.15pm ET

49ers -3.0

I’ve got Nick Mullens fever and I don’t care who knows it. He’s just a good old gunslinger from Mississippi who ears number four, something I’m sure Jason Witten won’t bring up 317 times.

Giants 14-24 49ers

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