Week 11 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

After being perfect in week nine, I came crashing down to Earth with a harder hit than Quenton Nelson laid on Barry Church. As I watched the results come in, I too was screaming.

Week 10 winners: 7-7

Week 10 against the spread: 5-9

Season winners: 99-47-2

Season against the spread: 79-63-6

Green Bay Packers @ Seattle Seahawks

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Seahawks -2.5

A few short years ago these two teams played in the NFC title game. Why haven’t the Seahawks been back since? Simple. Russell Wilson married Ciara about a year after that game, and it’s cursed the team ever since, probably because he’s lost all his juice and given it to Ciara. When Wilson was a preachy, annoying, corny virgin, they won. Now that’s he’s just preachy, annoying and corny, things have fallen apart. Not even no nut November can save Russ now.

Packers 28-24 Seahawks

Carolina Panthers @ Detroit Lions

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Panthers -3.5

The Panthers were whupped something terrible last week, but their beating was nothing compared to what Matt Patricia has been enduring. If you forgot, he told a journalist to sit up in his seat a few weeks ago. Yikes. Hell hath no fury than a scorned columnist and his drinking buddies, who are also scorned (at some point or another) columnists.

Panthers 31-20 Lions

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Ravens -4.0

Excited to see what Jackson can do now that he’s about to be unleashed. All season he’s been watching, waiting, preparing for this moment, and I for one know he’s ready to grasp it. Yes folks, Hue Jackson gets to coach a semi-competent team from Ohio for once. Oh and Lamar might play for the Ravens.

Browns 20-21 Ravens

Dallas Cowboys @ Atlanta Falcons

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -3.5

If this game goes to overtime it wouldn’t be the first long, drawn-out and painful to watch contest Georgia has faced in the past couple of weeks. Of course, no matter what happens in this game the unabashed conservative douche will fuck off once it’s over, so say what you want about Jerry Jones, he’s no Brian Kemp.

Cowboys 21-28 Falcons

Houston Texans @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Texans -2.5

DJ Swearinger has an axe to grind with Texans’ coach Bill O’Brien for cutting him three years ago. Sorry DJ, but that axe is going to get stuck in Billy O’s cavernous chin and leave you defenseless. Better luck next time.

Texans 23-20 Redskins

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Steelers -5.0

Le’Veon Bell has decided not to show up this season, just like the entire Jaguars roster. Jacksonville may have shocked the Steelers last year, but you can expect James Conner to terminate their playoff hopes on Sunday

Steelers 40-10 Jaguars

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New York Giants

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Giants -2.0

According to conservative lunatics, their counting dead votes down in Florida to try and sway the recent election. That’s nothing, say New Yorkers, we’ve had a dead guy play quarterback for four years!

Buccaneers 24-28 Giants

Tennessee Titans @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Colts -2.0

As a Pats fan, hard to find a team to cheer for here. The Titans just gave Brady and co a spanking, while the Colts are Deflategate scum. Is it wrong to root for lightening to call this one off?

Titans 13-16 Colts

Denver Broncos @ Los Angeles Chargers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Chargers -7.5

The Chargers are a legitimately good team this year and Denver suck. So it would be a very Charger thing to do to choke this one away. We’re due for an angry Philip Rivers face or two as well. Oh, Case Keenum is still starting for the Broncos? Never mind.

Broncos 10-30 Chargers

Oakland Raiders @ Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Cardinals -5.0

I’ve reported this game to the UN human rights commission, because no one should be forced to sit through this monstrosity of a football game. It’s a crime against humanity to charge people real money to watch this. Have you no shame, Rodger Goodell? Stupid question I suppose.

Raiders 3-6 Cardinals

Philadelphia Eagles @ New Orleans Saints

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Saints -8.0

Remember when a game like this would have been an exciting, back and forth affair? All the way back last season? Yeah, shame the Eagles have been such a disappointment. But they’re having fun, right Lane Johnson?

Eagles 28-34 Saints

Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Bears -2.5

Good hard-nosed, three yards and a cloud of dust NFC North football in primetime baby! I feel like I write this every week, but Kirk Cousins is in for a world of pain, as there’s a (Khalil) Mack truck headed his way.

Vikings 24-28 Bears

Kansas City Chiefs @ Los Angeles Rams

Monday 8.15pm ET

Rams -3.5

This game was meant to be played in Mexico City, but the field conditions forced the NFL to move it back to Los Angeles. Probably not the first time some dodgy Mexican grass has sent a bunch of millennials running back to LA.

Chiefs 47-44 Rams

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