Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”
After being perfect in week nine, I came crashing down to Earth with a harder hit than Quenton Nelson laid on Barry Church. As I watched the results come in, I too was screaming.
Week 10 winners: 7-7
Week 10 against the spread: 5-9
Season winners: 99-47-2
Season against the spread: 79-63-6
Green Bay Packers @ Seattle Seahawks
Thursday 8.20pm ET
Seahawks -2.5
A few short years ago these two teams played in the NFC title game. Why haven’t the Seahawks been back since? Simple. Russell Wilson married Ciara about a year after that game, and it’s cursed the team ever since, probably because he’s lost all his juice and given it to Ciara. When Wilson was a preachy, annoying, corny virgin, they won. Now that’s he’s just preachy, annoying and corny, things have fallen apart. Not even no nut November can save Russ now.
Packers 28-24 Seahawks
Carolina Panthers @ Detroit Lions
Sunday 1.00pm ET
Panthers -3.5
The Panthers were whupped something terrible last week, but their beating was nothing compared to what Matt Patricia has been enduring. If you forgot, he told a journalist to sit up in his seat a few weeks ago. Yikes. Hell hath no fury than a scorned columnist and his drinking buddies, who are also scorned (at some point or another) columnists.
Panthers 31-20 Lions
Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens
Sunday 1.00pm ET
Ravens -4.0
Excited to see what Jackson can do now that he’s about to be unleashed. All season he’s been watching, waiting, preparing for this moment, and I for one know he’s ready to grasp it. Yes folks, Hue Jackson gets to coach a semi-competent team from Ohio for once. Oh and Lamar might play for the Ravens.
Browns 20-21 Ravens
Dallas Cowboys @ Atlanta Falcons
Sunday 1.00pm ET
Falcons -3.5
If this game goes to overtime it wouldn’t be the first long, drawn-out and painful to watch contest Georgia has faced in the past couple of weeks. Of course, no matter what happens in this game the unabashed conservative douche will fuck off once it’s over, so say what you want about Jerry Jones, he’s no Brian Kemp.
Cowboys 21-28 Falcons
Houston Texans @ Washington Redskins
Sunday 1.00pm ET
Texans -2.5
DJ Swearinger has an axe to grind with Texans’ coach Bill O’Brien for cutting him three years ago. Sorry DJ, but that axe is going to get stuck in Billy O’s cavernous chin and leave you defenseless. Better luck next time.
Texans 23-20 Redskins
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Jacksonville Jaguars
Sunday 1.00pm ET
Steelers -5.0
Le’Veon Bell has decided not to show up this season, just like the entire Jaguars roster. Jacksonville may have shocked the Steelers last year, but you can expect James Conner to terminate their playoff hopes on Sunday
Steelers 40-10 Jaguars
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New York Giants
Sunday 1.00pm ET
Giants -2.0
According to conservative lunatics, their counting dead votes down in Florida to try and sway the recent election. That’s nothing, say New Yorkers, we’ve had a dead guy play quarterback for four years!
Buccaneers 24-28 Giants
Tennessee Titans @ Indianapolis Colts
Sunday 1.00pm ET
Colts -2.0
As a Pats fan, hard to find a team to cheer for here. The Titans just gave Brady and co a spanking, while the Colts are Deflategate scum. Is it wrong to root for lightening to call this one off?
Titans 13-16 Colts
Denver Broncos @ Los Angeles Chargers
Sunday 4.05pm ET
Chargers -7.5
The Chargers are a legitimately good team this year and Denver suck. So it would be a very Charger thing to do to choke this one away. We’re due for an angry Philip Rivers face or two as well. Oh, Case Keenum is still starting for the Broncos? Never mind.
Broncos 10-30 Chargers
Oakland Raiders @ Arizona Cardinals
Sunday 4.05pm ET
Cardinals -5.0
I’ve reported this game to the UN human rights commission, because no one should be forced to sit through this monstrosity of a football game. It’s a crime against humanity to charge people real money to watch this. Have you no shame, Rodger Goodell? Stupid question I suppose.
Raiders 3-6 Cardinals
Philadelphia Eagles @ New Orleans Saints
Sunday 4.25pm ET
Saints -8.0
Remember when a game like this would have been an exciting, back and forth affair? All the way back last season? Yeah, shame the Eagles have been such a disappointment. But they’re having fun, right Lane Johnson?
Eagles 28-34 Saints
Minnesota Vikings @ Chicago Bears
Sunday 8.20pm ET
Bears -2.5
Good hard-nosed, three yards and a cloud of dust NFC North football in primetime baby! I feel like I write this every week, but Kirk Cousins is in for a world of pain, as there’s a (Khalil) Mack truck headed his way.
Vikings 24-28 Bears
Kansas City Chiefs @ Los Angeles Rams
Monday 8.15pm ET
Rams -3.5
This game was meant to be played in Mexico City, but the field conditions forced the NFL to move it back to Los Angeles. Probably not the first time some dodgy Mexican grass has sent a bunch of millennials running back to LA.
Chiefs 47-44 Rams
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