Week 12 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

The Thanksgiving tryptophan is kicking in early (before I’ve even had a bite of turkey), so we’re going rapid fire this week.

Week 11 winners: 7-6

Week 11 against the spread: 5-8

Season winners: 106-53-2

Season against the spread: 84-71-6

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions

Thursday 12.30pm ET

Bears -3.0

This may be the first time in his life Matt Patricia makes it past 1pm awake and not in a food coma with turkey grease all up in his beard on Thanksgiving.

Bears 30-24 Lions

Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys

Thursday 4.30pm ET

Cowboys -7.5

Speaking of turkey grease, Jerry Jones’ gloryhole is lubed up and ready to go, seeing as Colt McCoy is starting for the Redskins.

Redskins 20-24 Cowboys

Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Saints -13.0

I’m guessing we’ll hear the phrase “Drew Brees is carving the Falcons up like a Turkey” from the commentators about 237 times in this one.

Falcons 24-34 Saints

Cleveland Browns @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bengals -3.0

This game might be on Sunday, but there will be a turkey on the sideline, as Hue Jackson is facing his former team.

Browns 31-27 Bengals

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Buffalo Bills

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jaguars -3.0

Jalen Ramsey said Bills QB Josh Allen is “trash” in the summer, which by comparison would make Blake Bortles three-day-old stuffing or a crusty baguette.

Jaguars 20-10 Bills

New England Patriots @ New York Jets

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Patriots -9.5

Tom Brady should be ready to tear the Jets up in this game, seeing as while every other player on the field was eating turkey, potatoes and gravy he was snacking on chickpea tagine and quinoa dumplings.

Patriots 34-20 Jets

New York Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Eagles -6.0

Fun fact, the Eagles rarely play on Thanksgiving over fears their fans would pelt the sideline turkey with batteries.

Giants 23-28 Eagles

Oakland Raiders @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Ravens -11.0

If you think Jon Gruden is going to have his West Coast team ready to play at 1pm Eastern on Thanksgiving weekend, you probably believe cranberry sauce is worth making. In short, you’re wrong.

Raiders 17-27 Ravens

San Francisco 49ers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Buccaneers -3.5

Jameis Winston is slated to start and after typing that out, I’ve just realised how funny it is that a man known for stealing seafood plays for a team called the Buccaneers.

49ers 23-21 Buccaneers

Seattle Seahawks @ Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Panthers -3.5

If all the points and passing on Monday night offended you, this is the game for you. Tough defences. Commitment to the run game. You’re probably getting your first boner in years, old man.

Seahawks 17-23 Panthers

Arizona Cardinals @ Los Angeles Chargers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Chargers -13.0

Thanksgiving at Philip Rivers’ house has to be almost as exhausting as watching the Cardinals play, so it’s going to be tough for the Chargers to cover here.

Cardinals 21-30 Chargers

Miami Dolphins @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Colts -7.5

I’ve already seen three Captain Andrew Luck Thanksgiving Tweets and I’m writing this on Wednesday. Life is a cruel journey.

Dolphins 14-30 Colts

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Denver Broncos

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Steelers -3.0

Luckily for Broncos players, they can legally take a walk with their cousins before Thanksgiving dinner.

Steelers 28-24 Broncos

Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Vikings -3.5

Aaron Rodgers may have been forced to spend some time with his family in the days leading up to this one, what with it being Thanksgiving and the fact his brother called him out for not caring about his mother possibly burning alive, so expect him to be somewhat out of sync.

Packers 34-31 Vikings

Houston Texans @ Tennessee Titans

Monday 8.15pm ET

Texans -4.5

Watching his game is kind of like that final slice of pie, we don’t need it or want it and we know we won’t enjoy it, but fuck it, someone has to eat it.

Texans 20-23 Titans

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