Week 13 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

Thank God I stopped putting my money on these picks and have instead been stealing from my colleagues to fund my gambling habits. I highly recommend it; you can’t lose!

Week 12 winners: 9-6

Week 12 against the spread: 4-11

Season winners: 115-59-2

Season against the spread: 88-82-6

New Orleans Saints @ Dallas Cowboys

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Saints -7.0

Really hoping Dez Bryant shows up on the Saints sideline for this one and screams at Dak Prescott all game that Tony Romo’s balls were better, softer and fit in his hands better.

Saints 37-34 Cowboys

Arizona Cardinals @ Green Bay Packers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -14.0

If you hadn’t heard the Packers have the same record as the Browns, you don’t have eyes or ears and I feel sorry for you in some ways, and jealous in others.

Cardinals 10-27 Packers

Baltimore Ravens @ Atlanta Falcons

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -1.0

The Ravens are brave putting a wide receiver at quarterback, but it seems like this Lamar Jackson kid can do a thing or two with the ball in his hand, so more power to them.

Ravens 21-28 Falcons

Buffalo Bills @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Dolphins -5.0

One of the quarterbacks in this game has a legitimate claim to being the second-best QB in his division. Eeeeeeeewwwwww.

Bills 6-9 Dolphins

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Panthers -3.5

A trip to Tampa to see Jameis Winston and his tiny hands is just what the Panthers need to break a three-game losing streak.

Panthers 30-10 Buccaneers

Chicago Bears @ New York Giants

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bears -4.0

Mitch Trubisky is out for another game, but the bears can win with Chase Daniel. Hell, they could win with Khalil Mack under centre. The Giants suck that badly.

Bears 28-20 Giants

Cleveland Browns @ Houston Texans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Texans -6.0

It’s the quarterback Hue Jackson did draft versus one of about 37 he claims to have wanted to draft.

Browns 21-24 Texans

Denver Broncos @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Broncos -4.5

With Andy Dalton out this game will, incredibly, feature a total of four backup quarterbacks.

Broncos 30-21 Bengals

Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Colts -4.0

Bortles is out and Kessler is in. Those are quarterbacks by the way, not shitty Canadian fashion labels.

Colts 37-10 Jaguars

Los Angeles Rams @ Detroit Lions

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Rams -10.0

While the Rams are heavy favourites here, don’t underestimate home field advantage. Can you imagine travelling from LA to Detroit? Going from an artisan banh mi stand on every corner to a trashcan fire on every corner? Weed dispensaries to needle dispensaries? It’s going to be a rude, unmanicured awakening for Sean McVay and his charges.

Rams 35-30 Lions

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Chiefs -15.5

Crazy I know, but these two teams play the same sport. It won’t be easy to see that on Sunday, but if you look closely enough you’ll find the Raiders are, in fact, also playing their own brand of football. Just with less points, yards, success or joy.

Chiefs 45-20 Raiders

New York Jets @ Tennessee Titans

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Titans -7.5

The Titans should destroy the Jets, so they’re almost guaranteed to squeak past them with a late field goal after racking up approximately 30 total yards of offence.

Jets 15-18 Titans

Minnesota Vikings @ New England Patriots

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Patriots -5.5

Thank God this game isn’t in Minnesota. Us Pats fans have bad memories of that place. I can’t remember why though, I think it was something about a bird with a huge dick shitting all over us and then flying into one of the stadium’s windows.

Vikings 30-34 Patriots

San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Seahawks -10.0

There might be so many running plays in this game that the clock turns back to 1954. Must watch. But only in black and white.

49ers 17-24 Seahawks

Los Angeles Chargers @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Steelers -3.5

Philip Rivers might have set the completion percentage record last week, but that does that matter when Big Ben set the record for most teammates thrown under the bus in a career? Legendary stuff.

Chargers 34-33 Steelers

Washington Redskins @ Philadelphia Eagles

Monday 8.15pm ET

Eagles -6.0

Good thing NFC East games are always scheduled for prime time late in the year, as they never turn out to be shitty games between shitty teams.

Redskins 21-25 Eagles

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