Week 14 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

I haven’t had such a tough time against the spread since the day I lost my virginity.

Week 13 winners: 10-6

Week 13 against the spread: 4-12

Season winners: 125-65-2

Season against the spread: 92-94-6

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Titans -4.5

This is the game Thursday night football was invented for. God doesn’t rest on the seventh day, he rests on Thursdays so he can watch epic games like this. It’s why he/she invented football, fumbles, interceptions and flags. And colour rush. (Note: I made this pick before the game and wasn’t able to publish. If you have a problem with that or think I’m cheating, take it up with the Sneaky Funny Football ombudsman.)

Jaguars 12-18 Titans

Atlanta Falcons @ Green Bay Packers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -5.0

I’m sure Aaron Rodgers will happily take coaching and direction from a guy like Joe Philbin. No chance he ignores the old coot entirely and does his own thing.

Falcons 34-28 Packers

Baltimore Ravens @ Kansas City Chiefs

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Chiefs -6.5

The Chiefs should have waited to cut Kareem Hunt until at least after this game. The Ravens could have offered some advice on how to keep a player accused of a violent crime on the roster.

Ravens 27-30 Chiefs

Carolina Panthers @ Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Panthers -2.0

Cleveland residents should brace for dangerous levels of smug in the atmosphere during and after this game, seeing as Cam Newton is on one sideline and Baker Mayfield the other.

Panthers 34-20 Browns

Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Texans -4.5

Can’t wait to see how the Colts try and get Andrew Luck killed this week. Another pass thrown to him? Perhaps a screen to JJ Watt’s side of the field? Tune in to find out.

Colts 30-24 Texans

New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Patriots -7.5

It’s December and believe it or not, the Dolphins are in the playoff hunt. Luckily for the Pats, Tom Brady is so rich he can afford to pay the fines that come with Dolphin hunting.

Patriots 40-10 Dolphins

New Orleans Saints @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Saints -8.0

Remember back in September when Ryan Fitzpatrick was slinging the ball all over the yard and rocking outrageous outfits? No one could have envisaged how quickly that would end.

Saints 30-17 Buccaneers

New York Giants @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Giants -3.5

Eli’s final gift to the Giants will be stumbling into enough wins to ensure they can’t draft his replacement.

Giants 27-24 Redskins

New York Jets @ Buffalo Bills

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bills -3.5

Smart move by the Bills cutting Kelvin Benjamin before Christmas. That dude definitely eats all the cookies at every office party.

Jets 14-18 Bills

Cincinnati Bengals @ Los Angeles Chargers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Chargers -14.0

If you think yet another defeat amidst yet another underwhelming season will bring Marvin Lewis any closer to unemployment, you probably still believe in ***** ******.

Bengals 14-27 Chargers

Denver Broncos @ San Francisco 49ers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Broncos -4.0

Broncos to ride roughshod all over the 49ers. Can’t believe it’s the first time I’ve used that lay-up all season.

Broncos 24-23 49ers

Detroit Lions @ Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Lions -2.5

Sadists only need apply for tickets to this game.

Lions 20-24 Cardinals

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Cowboys -3.5

Hard to pick a side in this one. On the one hand, I want to root for the Cowboys to fuck up as spectacularly as only they can. On the other, the Eagles’ demise has been delicious. I guess I’ll just cheer for the Cowboys cheerleaders.

Eagles 24-28 Cowboys

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Oakland Raiders

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Steelers -11.0

Mike Tomlin is legitimately the best coach in this game. Mike. Tomlin.

Steelers 38-25 Raiders

Los Angeles Rams @ Chicago Bears

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Rams -3.0

December. Night. Soldier Field. The Rams aren’t ready for Bear weather, there’s no way Sean McVay has packed on enough pounds to withstand the cold.

Rams 20-23 Bears

Minnesota Vikings @ Seattle Seahawks

Monday 8.15pm ET

Seahawks -3.0

Team that can never run it versus a team that can only run it. Who knows what that means in terms of the outcome though.

Viking 20-30 Seahawks

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