Week 15 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

No more Jeff Fisher 9-7 bullshit, I guarantee I’ll pick at least 10 winners this week. Probably. Maybe. If I can find my red challenge flag.

Week 14 winners: 9-7

Week 14 against the spread: 9-7

Season winners: 134-72-2

Season against the spread: 101-101-6

Los Angeles Charges @ Kansas City Chiefs

Thursday 8.20pm ET

Chiefs -3.5

For his next trick, Patrick Mahomes will attempt to throw a no look, left-handed pass with the same throwing motion as Philip Rivers. He’s bound to rip his arm out of its socket.

Chargers 30-34 Chiefs

Houston Texans @ New York Jets

Saturday 4.30pm ET

Texans -6.0

Saturday NFL games are here, and you’d be forgiven for forgetting about this game altogether. I’m sure Sam Darnold will want to after it’s over.

Texans 34-17 Jets

Cleveland Browns @ Denver Broncos

Saturday 8.20pm ET

Broncos -3.0

Last time the Browns were in the playoff hunt, Baker Mayfield was but a twinkle in someone’s eyes and Condoleeza Rice wasn’t being considered for important and prestigious jobs like NFL head coach.

Browns 24-21 Broncos

Arizona Cardinals @ Atlanta Falcons

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -8.5

If two birds squabble in a dome and no one cares about it or watches it, will Arthur Blank head down to the sideline before the game’s over?

Cardinals 16-28 Falcons

Dallas Cowboys @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Colts -3.0

Andrew Luck is far too clean living and saintly to be Jerry Jones’ quarterback. Dude’s probably never even been hooked up to a Johnnie Walker Blue.

Cowboys 21-28 Colts

Detroit Lions @ Buffalo Bills

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bills -2.5

Matt Patricia has been preparing his Lions for an outdoor game for months, and finally it’s here. Expect them to absolutely shit the bed, and Patricia to go off on a reporter for a poorly-executed Windsor knot.

Lions 18-21 Bills

Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bears -6.0

Aaron Rodgers is just enough of a prick to play lights out from here on out, win all his games and make the playoffs just to stick it to Mike McCarthy.

Packers 28-24 Bears

Miami Dolphins @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Vikings -7.0

For the next Miami miracle, the Dolphins are going to make Kirk Cousins’ ability to play quarterback miraculously reappear.

Dolphins 27-31 Vikings

Oakland Raiders @ Cincinnati Bengals

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bengals -2.5

Both of these franchises have employed or do employ Hue Jackson. Both of these franchises suck. These two things are not coincidences.

Raiders 21-24 Bengals

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Ravens -7.5

Lamar Jackson is going to keep his starting job even though Joe Flacco is healthy again. This kid is doing incredible things for the wide receiver position. Redefining it some might say.

Buccaneers 14-20 Ravens

Tennessee Titans @ New York Giants

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Giants -2.5

I am soooo tempted to bet big on Tennessee here at +2.5, the question is am I ready to have my heart broken again? I haven’t watched 500 Days of Summer in months, so I think I can take it.

Titans 18-17 Giants

Washington Redskins @ Jacksonville Jaguars

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Jaguars -7.5

Tough to take the Jags -7.5 when they put up a total of six points in the last game they won. Bring back David Garrard, at least he was comically fat for a pro athlete and entertained that way.

Redskins 6-12 Jaguars

Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Seahawks -4.0

Frank Clark says Seattle’s Super Bowl hangover is over. Only three years on. I think most of us would stop drinking after a three-year hangover. Or at least go to light beer.

Seahawks 30-20 49ers

New England Patriots @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Patriots -2.5

If I see a single lateral in this game I might go insane. Mike Tomlin crazy eyes insane.

Patriots 34-30 Steelers

Philadelphia Eagles @ Los Angeles Rams

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Rams -11.0

Rumour has it a certain Big Dick Nick is making his return in this game and I for one am excited to see what kind of damage that unit can do in a town so virtuous as LA.

Eagles 14-34 Rams

New Orleans Saints @ Carolina Panthers

Monday 8.15pm ET

Saints -6.0

How many times will Jason Witten mention that Taysom Hill is a quarterback? I’m setting the over under at 37.

Saints 30-17 Panthers

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