Week 16 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

All I want for Christmas is thousands of pounds worth of gambling winnings. Is that too much to ask for?

Week 15 winners: 11-5

Week 15 against the spread: 7-9

Season winners: 145-77-2

Season against the spread: 108-110-6

Washington Redskins @ Tennessee Titans

Saturday 4.30pm ET

Titans -10.5

Something called a Josh Johnson will be starting at quarterback for the Redskins. Before Washington, he was drafted by the San Diego Fleet, which sounds like a shipping company but is apparently a pro football team.

Redskins 14-21 Titans

Baltimore Ravens @ Los Angeles Chargers

Saturday 8.20pm ET

Chargers -4.5

Could this be the year Philip Rivers stands on a podium, the world watching, the Lombardi trophy in his hands, his eyes staring through the souls of the hundreds of millions watching, impregnating a third of the women who make eye contact through their TV screens?

Ravens 20-28 Chargers

Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -3.5

Strange call from the Panthers starting Heineken in this game, I’m not sure a Dane has what it takes to play QB in the NFL.

Falcons 30-14 Panthers

Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Patriots -13.0

Nice of the NFL to give the Patriots two extra bye weeks (they play the Jets next Sunday) before the playoffs begin.

Bills 13-23 Patriots

Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Browns -10.0

Thoughts and prayers to the Browns offensive line coach Bob Wylie who broke his ankle at practice. We should also give whoever carried him off the field some love too, as that dude probably slipped a disk in his back.

Bengals 13-30 Browns

Green Bay Packers @ New York Jets

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -3.0

The only reason to watch this game is to see what new incredible levels of poutiness Aaron Rodgers can reach. A man truly at the top of his sulking game.

Packers 37-21 Jets

Houston Texans @ Philadelphia Eagles

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Eagles -2.5

Amid the war on Christmas, it’s good to have some customs we can rely on to stay intact, unblemished by modern culture. Eagles fans attacking Santa Claus, a tradition like no other.

Texans 24-20 Eagles

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Miami Dolphins

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Dolphins -4.0

Do Floridians celebrate Christmas? It’s probably hard to distinguish it from all the other days filled with intense amounts of day drinking and family fights that end with uncle Rico’s alligator being shot.

Jaguars 6-17 Dolphins

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Vikings -5.5

I imagine during his time in New England, Bill Belichick made Matt Patricia dress as Santa every year, similar to how Tony Soprano made Bobby Baccala do it. “Get in the suit Matt, or I ban fried foods from the facility and institute a strict no facial hair policy.”

Vikings 13-20 Lions

New York Giants @ Indianapolis Colts

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Colts -10.0

Good news for Giants fans: you don’t have to watch this game. Bad news for Giants fans: Eli’s coming back next year.

Giants 24-27 Colts

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Dallas Cowboys

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Cowboys -7.5

Wonder what Jerry Jones gives to his employees for Christmas? Cash? Watches? Probably “joke” sex toys and lingerie.

Buccaneers 20-28 Cowboys

Chicago Bears @ San Francisco 49ers

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Bears -4.0

Not so into bears myself, I prefer otters. But those are just my preferences.

Bears 20-17 49ers

Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona Cardinals

Sunday 4.05pm ET

Rams -14.0

Are the Rams falling apart? Is it punishment for what Todd Gurley has done to his fantasy owners by choosing not to score twice? Time will tell.

Rams 40-10 Cardinals

Pittsburgh Steelers @ New Orleans Saints

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Saints -5.5

Cam Jordan shouldn’t play in this game, as he needs to be in concussion protocol for saying Eli is better than Big Ben.

Steelers 10-17 Saints

Kansas City Chiefs @ Seattle Seahawks

Sunday 8.20pm ET

Chiefs -5.5

Will Patrick Mahomes’ stupid, squeaky voice be heard in the huddle over the deafening Seattle crowd? Doubtful.

Chiefs 34-31 Seahawks

Denver Broncos @ Oakland Raiders

Monday 8.15pm ET

Broncos -2.5

The Raiders signed Nathan Peterman, proving once and for all Jon Gruden is actually just trolling Al Davis posthumously instead of trying to win.

Broncos 23-20 Raiders

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