Week 17 Picks

Welcome to my weekly picks of each NFL game here at Sneaky Funny Football, where you can learn how to lose all your money gambling like a pro! I’ll be using the spread from Paddy Power, not to be confused with Andy Reid’s favourite play call at the buffet line “pork patty power, bacon spread, on four servings, ready break!”

They say week 17 is the hardest week to predict, partly because teams with nothing to play for already have a foot on a boat in Miami. As do some playoff teams, shout out Odell Beckham Jr.

Week 16 winners: 10-6

Week 16 against the spread: 9-7

Season winners: 155-83-2

Season against the spread: 117-117-6

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Falcons -1.5

Anyone think the Bucs will play hard to give a proper send off to inspirational head coach *checks notes* Dirk Koetter? Thought not.

Falcons 30-20 Buccaneers

Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Saints -7.0

Can’t wait to see some QB power runs from Panthers’ third stringer Kyle Allen. I’m sure he’s every bit as capable as Cam Newton.

Panthers 13-30 Saints

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Giants -6.0

Both teams have nothing to play for and seeing as the Giants have been in that situation all season, I’m backing them to win. Experience counts, folks.

Cowboys 20-24 Giants

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Packers -7.5

Aaron Rodgers will light the scoreboard up here just to ensure Matt Patricia gets fired. I’m sure he can’t stand the thought of having to look at such an unkempt dude twice a season.

Lions 9-33 Packers

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Texans -6.5

Would be very like this Jags team to put in an incredible performance in this totally meaningless game. Teases.

Jaguars 24-27 Texans

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Bills -5.5

Win or lose, the Dolphins fly back to Miami on New Year’s Eve, so who cares?

Dolphins 17-13 Bills

New York Jets @ New England Patriots

Sunday 1.00pm ET

Patriots -13.5

Apparently the Patriots have been preparing for this like they would a playoff game, which actually puts New England at an advantage, as that means they can’t have been preparing for the Jets.

Jets 21-31 Patriots

Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Seahawks -13.5

It would send a terrible message if the Cardinals were to fire Steve Wilks after this game, putting an end to the time-honoured tradition of hiring a guy you met at the beach to be head coach.

Cardinals 14-30 Seahawks

Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Vikings -4.5

Kirk Cousins has to be careful and not show Chicago all his tricks in this game, as they could meet again next week. So he’ll have to limit himself to only one or two back-breaking incompletions.

Bears 19-23 Vikings

Cincinnati Bengals @ Pittsburgh Steelers

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Steelers -14.5

Somehow, both of these head coaches will probably still have a job next season, so never say miracles don’t exist.

Bengals 10-30 Steelers

Cleveland Browns @ Baltimore Ravens

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Ravens -5.0

They don’t have defences like the Ravens in the Big 12, unfortunately for Baker.

Browns 13-20 Ravens

Los Angeles Chargers @ Denver Broncos

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Chargers -6.5

Is Vance Joseph still having the time of his life?

Chargers 34-24 Broncos

Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Chiefs -14.5

So good to have Jon Gruden back this season, and best of all, thanks to his ridiculous 10 year contract, we don’t have to worry about him being fired after dismantling what was a good team.

Raiders 13-40 Chiefs

Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Eagles -6.5

Big Dick Nick is about to do it again it seems, so lock up your daughters and grease up the poles (of all kinds) in Philly.

Eagles 28-12 Redskins

San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams

Sunday 4.25pm ET

Rams -10.5

Credit to me for making it the entire singled without a “he went to Jared” joke.

49ers 24-31 Rams

Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans

Sunday 8.25pm ET

Colts -3.0

Mike Vrabel may actually play in this game, he’ll be so fired up.

Colts 17-20 Titans

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